If my son turned out to be transgender, he ain’t no son of mine
She’d be my daughter🥰
“Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!” My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
I am scared of E minor.
It gives me the E B G Bs
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
An excited Muslim comes to heaven’s gates.
He asks saint Peter: "I'd like to see Mohammed. Do you know where he is?" "Mohammed? He's not here. I'm just the gatekeeper. You'll need to go higher." And so the Muslim enters. He sees Mary the god bearer sitting on a bench. "Excuse me. Do you know where I could find Mohammed?" "Mohammed? I think he's at work. You'll need to go higher." Having ascended all the way to the top, he sees Jesus standing before him. "Christ, highest of prophets. I'm looking for Mohammed. Please show me the way." "Mohammed you say? You'll need to go higher." Saying that, Jesus rises his hand and a stairway appears. Thankful, the Muslim goes up the long steps. Suddenly, he finds himself in what looks like an office. God, radiating with divine light, welcomes him. "What do you seek?" "Can I see Mohammed?" "Of course but why the rush. Come. Sit down. Would you like a coffee?" "Yes please." "Mohammed! Two coffees please"
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
But no one has given me a straight answer
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
How do locomotives hear?
Through the engineers.
My daughter said to me “Daddy, your hair is getting so long. Do you like it looking like that?”
I said "It's growing on me."
A wind turbine asked his friend what music he liked.
"I'm a big metal fan."
I’m tired of all these forced gender neutral terms
The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed important for him that I have it.
People are injecting racehorses with steroids, but the cops are finding it difficult to convict them.
It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Hand him a used tampon and ask which period it’s from.
We tried Plan a, b, c, d but none have worked.
But, Plan e just might take off
No one is afraid of llama kisses, so why is everyone so worried about…
…the alpaca lips?
Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a…..novel idea.
I tried calling the tinnitus hotline but there was no answer.
It just kept ringing.
A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.
The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this." He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one." The kid looks between the notes and eventually takes the five dollar bill. The man laughs and pockets the other note and walks back to his friend, still laughing. "See what I mean?" he says, shaking his head. "Every damn time. Stupid kid never learns." His friend is puzzled, but doesn't say anything. Later in the evening he decides to take a stroll alone and spots the boy again. Curiosity overcomes him, and he goes over and asks, "Hey kid, why do you keep taking the five dollar bill every time?" "Because, mister, the day I take the ten dollar bill, the game ends."
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, but it's not your turn Scooby!"
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes’ wife is beginning to deliver the baby
The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I…" Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You have a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter." "Thanks be to…" Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a handsome prince.”
She bent over, picked up the frog and put it in her pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of her pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a prince, I’ll be your devoted boyfriend.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into her pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a handsome prince, and that I’ll be your devoted boyfriend. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a boyfriend, but a talking frog……that’s cool.”
What is the loneliest cheese?
Prov-Alone
People were dying…
…to meet the new mortician…
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old woman came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?
Best Buy employee: a cord? Me: no it's a Civic.
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. “Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
WHAT DO WE WANT?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?! NEEEEYOOOOOOOOW
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
I saw a theatre production about puns recently
It was a play on words