If only politics were as objective as maths
Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
How did the butcher introduce his wife?
“Meat Patty.”
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln. He’s in a cent
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Who are the happiest people?
Nomads
What did the gender-neutral gold miner say to their foreman?
“There’s gold in them/their hills.”
They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket..
They lied, everyone else had their clothes on
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up …
Which I really didn't appreciate.
Teaching my 4yo how to write
What letter is this? "Y" Because I'm asking you! What letter is it?? "Y!" How am I supposed to know if you've learnt it if you don't tell me?? What letter is this?? I look at him. He's looking at me. I can see his brain stuck in a loop he's not sure how to get out of. He sees me starting to crack up and out it comes, the unquestionable evidence of a successful dad joke "Ugh! DAAAAAAAAADDDD"
I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
If I had a Delorean
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Three girls die and go to heaven…
They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."
What do a hot potato and a thrown pig have in common?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect! Then she added that I also…
…had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces…
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
My wife is turning 32 soon…
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.” “What are you talking about?” she asked. I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
I got a job working in a hayfield…
After one day, I bailed…
Nah, I rather have the potatoes, eggs and fish from thousands of kilometers away. (But I get it, if you just don’t have money, you got to go for the cheapest)
Nah, I rather have the potatoes, eggs and fish from thousands of kilometers away. (But I get it, if you just don’t have money, you got to go for the cheapest)
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.
A-merry-ca ‘ristmas, reddit
from all of US!
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?
They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
A woman gets new jeans and asks her husband if they make her look fat
Husband: Alright, I'll tell you the truth… But, you have to promise not to get angry no matter what I say Wife: I promise Husband: I'm fucking your sister
There has been an outbreak of mad cow disease in Austria.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die
"Usually an overdose", I said