“If organ trafficking is illegal….”
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad
My friend says he’s a compulsive liar…
I don’t believe him.
A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.
One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. “Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma. A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"
Congrats to President Daddy for Record Time Passing MEAN PEOPLE BULLY ME ON THE INTERNET ACT
https://ift.tt/36LFRWr
We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.
what kind of shoes do frogs wear?
open toad
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle??
A polar bear
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
My coworker went to HR and filed a complaint against me after I praised her butt.
Say what you want, harassment something to me.
I’m so straight, I don’t touch myself when I jerk off.
My buddy Brian does it for me.
I believe that it is time for all the world’s countries to come together and create one universal currency
I mean it's just common cents
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don’t care if she has one.
What country never wins or loses
Thailand.( Credit to my brothers who dosent use reddit).
I don’t like braille porn
It's all fingering.
My friend did a PhD in palindromes…
He's now known as Dr Awkward.
someone insulted me on my monitor’s refresh rate,
right where it hertz.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says…
5 beers please
Much more sad than funny, if he could only go a few days with out alienating the base.
https://ift.tt/2TBinOr
A woman got hit in the head by a horse.
Don’t worry, she’s in stable condition.
distance raptor over time raptor equals…
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
I met a man standing on one leg at an ATM. I asked him what he was doing.
He said “Oh, I was just checking my balance”
Two guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
They threw one over board and the boat is now a cigarette lighter.
How warm is a baby at birth?
Womb temperature.
Why did no one in the King’s court laugh when the king farted?
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian
It was the least I could have done for him.
#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus.
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited.
“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!” “No way!” “Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.” – Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!” – The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”
Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?
Arse skin for a friend.
A Brexit walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long farce?"
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?
Talk about head over heels!
Did you hear about the ghost that was arrested for inhabiting a bottle of cola?
He was done for possession of coke.
My brother’s first dad joke
This just happened 2 minutes ago. I’m visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say: “Don’t spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next year” Ps. He’s been a father for 5 years now
What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber
Why did the T-Rex only sell handguns
Because he is a small arms dealer
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Why can’t Severus Snape be a herbology teacher?
He can’t keep the lilies alive.
A man wanted to have sex with a nun
A man wanted to have sex with a nun he saw every day at the bus station. One day, when they got on the bus, he asked her to have sex with him, but she refused. The bus driver heard their conversation and after she got off the bis, he told the man " Every night, she goes to the cemetery to visit Father Martin's grave, who died a few years ago. If you want to have sex with her, go to the cemetery dressed in black with your face covered and say: Maria, it's me, Martin. I have come to have sex with you before i go to heaven." The man did just as he was told. When he goes to the cemetery, he sees the nun staying in front of a grave with her face covered. The man approached her and said he was Father Martin and wanted to have sex with her. She said: "Fine, but do it in the ass so i can stay a virgin." After the man had sex with her, he uncovered his face and said: "Ha! It was me the whole time!", but then the one he thought was the nun turned around and said: "Ha! It is me, the bus driver!"