If people make you sick…
Maybe you should cook them longer…
Y’all might think that old people are boring
But you have to admit, their chairs are rockin'
It’s just as I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
I dig, You dig, He digs, She digs, We dig, They dig.
Its not a long poem but its very deep
If my son refused to sleep during nap time …
Is he guilty of resisting a rest
Hey girl, are you a cop?
… because you’ve taken my breath away.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, “I want to try doggy tonight.”
Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees. So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner. After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart" The wife turns on her bedside lamp, confused, and says, "What? What about doggy?" The husband replies, "Honey, I can't believe you enjoyed it so much you want more. I'm sorry, but there's none left, I'll cook it again for you next week."
I put root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.
The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows." "Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown." "And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color." The prince says, "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed." "Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you," the Russian explains. "Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here." The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs. The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay. "Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters. "I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."
A man is staying in a hotel.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?” The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."
I found out why everyone is collecting TP
It’s because an asteroid might hit us next month. ….. and … paper always beats rock
A guy sent me his nudes.
Pretty nuts, if you ask me.
An engineer dies and goes to hell.
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
what do you call a poor part of a town in Italy
the spaghetto
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.
Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
Halloween Party (NSFW)
A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis… Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as. "A fireman" he replies "Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says "Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”.
What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?
You get NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!
I thought it was a booger
But it snot.
If a is for Apple and b is for banana….what is c for?
Plastic explosives
If male cows ate one another instead of hay…
It would be appropriate to serve meals to them as "Can-a-bull."
Before I became a dad, I was truly concerned that I wouldn’t know how to be a good father
Thankfully, turns out it's in my blood. I come from a long line of Fathers.
“Judge, I’m here to dispute 60% of my tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I’m here to dispute 3/5 of my tickets.
We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. “With all due respect sir,” my dad replied…
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today?
Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.
You shuold be be able to edit titles
Edit: should
A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.
The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he goes to the sheriff just to make sure he isn’t breaking the law in anyway. He explains everything and the sheriff just laughs and says, “Of course those Russians are buying your potatoes, Russians love dictators!”
Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.
Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar. The cucumber says, man my life really sucks! Whenever I get big, fat and juciy, someones going to cut me up and put me in a salad! The pickel says, you think you have it bad, when I got big, fat and juicy, someone poured vinegar and spices on me and threw me in a jar! The penis glaired at both of them and said, you assholes think you have it bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy someone puts a rubber trap over my head, sticks me in a dark room and bangs my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!!
I walked into my girlfriends bedroom yesterday without knocking.
As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”
Today my son and I walked past a gym and he said “looks like they’ve closed down.”
My response; "guess it didn't work out."
A man with a dog walks into a bar.
He walks over to his seat and says, "I can bet $100 to each of you that my dog can talk!" Everybody agrees to the bet. The guy says, "Spot, speak!" The dog is silent. "Spot, speak," the guy repeats. The dog still doesn't react. Fuming, the guy begrudgingly pays each of the bettors the agreed upon sum and leaves the bar. Outside, the guy says to the dog, "You set me up, you stupid mutt! Do you even know how much cash I lost because of you?" "Nonsense," says his dog. "Just imagine how much money we'll raise tomorrow from these suckers!"