If Robocop was a transformer,
Would his name be stoptimus Crime?
“Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”
"But I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.
Parent Teacher conference
A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." The father asks, "What happened?" "Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'" "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet," the dad replies. The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?" "They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked. "That's what I said" the boy replies.
If you were anti-pencil, would you be eracist?
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The invention of the shovel
Was groundbreaking
Technically, national anthems are just country music.
No text found
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
I’m not addicted to cocaine.
I just like the way it smells.
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Father’s Day!
Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well.
I’ve been accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
Kate is a pretty name, it’s the name I would want to give to one of my twin daughters.
I would name the other one "DupliKate'
Why did your parents always get mad a window breaks?
Because they’re a pane to replace.
I hate Russian dolls,
they're so full of themselves.
R. Kelly in the news again–tested positive for the COVID-15 virus
…apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.
I ordered a vault and a speaker off amazon
They arrived safe and sound
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I’m moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
You should never run with scissors…
And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
I have no idea, but it ain't 3 cause my basement is still dark.
A man is driving down a country road
A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the horse to the car"Pull, Zoomer, pull" the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn't move."Pull, Radar, pull" the farmer yells again, but again, the horse stands still"Pull, Dasher, pull" yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock."Pull, Dusty, pull" shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort.The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer, "why do you call your horse different names?""You see," the farmer replies, "Dusty is blind. If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn't have pulled."
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet because it’s a sobering reminder of why…
…there's never any money in there.
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
They push twins together to make a king.
I’m not super experienced with wood carving.
I only know a whittle.
I’m so disappointed in this generation
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
Knock knock / Who’s there? / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who?
Nevermind it’s pointless.
My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.
Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store
… and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home. And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.