If Satan ever loses his hair…
…there will be hell toupee.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
"Is it something I said?" "Yes."
What do you call a sunburnt Irishman?
A baked potato.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
Then they call me Ugly and Poor
Never marry a tennis player…
Love means nothing to them!
My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes
I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out
I was asked to go out by 4 girls today!
Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom…
I broke my finger today
But on the other hand im fine
“Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud?”
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
And then they call me ugly and poor.
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!
Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?
He did CrossFit.
Did you hear about the 8 that fell over?
It took them forever to get back up.
I heard a rumor about butter. . .
But I don't want to spread it.
What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colours?
A reptile dysfunction!
Call me a racist if you want but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity. I wouldn’t touch it with a 10 foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.
The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, "But sir, it's fresh ground!"
I can chop wood just by looking at it.
I saw it with my own eyes.
Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar
Gimli laughs and walks under it
What did they call the lightsaber when it was first invented?
Cutting-edge technology.
My boss told me as a security guard, it was my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, I don't know what it has to do with security though.
A Psychology professor starts off his lecture by telling his students.
"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage." With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number. "Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers. "No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other end. "You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like." He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks. "Hi, can Dave come to the phone?" "I told you you have the wrong number" "That's irritation, my friends" says the professor. "Now, let's look at what rage looks like" He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks. "Is Dave available?" "LISTEN, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. AND IF IT DOESN'T FIT, I'LL PUSH IT IN WITH MY COCK!!!!!!" "And that's rage." "Professor, you forgot the fourth stage," says a young man in the front rows. "And what might that be?" asks the professor. "It's called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate" He comes up to the podium, takes the professor's phone and dials the same number. "Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?"
Global warming will kill every single person on this planet,
It's a good thing I'm married…
What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
How old am I? I need to feel your breast..
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
A farmer counted 387 cows in his field.
But when he rounded them up he had 400.
What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?
Fruit of the tomb
A perfectionist walked into a bar.
Apparently the bar wasn’t set high enough.
Doctor: “I’ll be delivering your baby”
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA
Kicked out of the petting zoo
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
It’s currently half empty