If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
Did you hear the police are on the lookout for a psychic midget?
Yeah, there is a small medium at large.
My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.
He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.
My son told me my grammar was good.
He meant well.
If ‘A’ is for apple, and ‘B’ is for banana, what is ‘C’ for ?
Plastic explosives
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
What do you do when you break a stick of asparagus?
I don't know I would just get a-spare-i-guess
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it…
…You never know when you might need a nail.
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
“YOU’LL SEE! THEY’LL ALL SEE!”
– said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd. (credit goes to my mom)
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get jurasskicked.
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
I tried to trade a deer for fireworks
I want the best bang for my buck
I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song
giving us time to change the song.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS?!
Why was the grape arrested?
He did a sult-ana
When the flutist found out she was making less money than the cellist was making…
She wondered what the bass salary is.
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy put his hands in the pockets of his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.” “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.” “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.” “After that,” the old rich man continued, “I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on.” “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon
A canibal shows up late to a dinner
He ended up getting the cold shoulder
“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
I once won a fight that was five against one.
We really kicked the shit out of that guy.
On her wedding day, the mother of the bride has a talk with her daughter.
"Sweetheart," says she, "your husband-to-be is a great catch. Handsome, kind, and rich. But he's Greek. And you need to know something about Greek men in the bedroom. There will come a day, maybe soon maybe not, but the time will come when, during intimacy, he'll ask you to "roll over." When that happens, don't say another word to him. Just come straight home to me." The daughter promises that she will do as her mother asks. But she's nervous about it. The wedding goes forward without a hitch, and so does the honeymoon. The couple gets on fabulously together, in the bedroom and out. When they get home, the marital bliss continues, and the young bride discovers that she has quite a sex drive. She initiates sex even more frequently than her husband. And the bride's mother's warning never becomes relevant. On the couple's first anniversary, they have a fantastic, romantic night out. And when they get home, the have sex for a solid three hours straight. After all that, the husband leans over and whispers in his wife's ear "honey, roll over for me." The woman bursts into hysterical tears. She jumps out of bed, and begins to pack her bags. "I'm going home to my mother," she wails. "Honey, what's wrong," her husband begs. "Let me fix it," he says. "My mother warned me about yiu on our wedding day! She told me that one day you would ask me to "roll over." "Of course, darling," the man replies. "But don't you ever want to have a baby???"
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Turtles.
She said hardback? I said yeah with a little head.
You’ve heard of Murphy’s law right?
It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
Anyone hear about the transsexual lion that became a vegetarian?
He was a her before.
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
When I show people my step ladder I always tell them in a sad voice,
“I never knew my real ladder.”
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
I bought some toothpaste.
It's not your typical food sauce
