If someone like this exists, they should have a statue made for them
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
Sex is like math
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply
(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”
A cow with no lips!
Her: I’m pregnant.
Me: Are you kidding?? Her: Technically, Yes.
A man decided to become a monk
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could use a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin" replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?" "Well, actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Did you know that commas can change the meaning of a sentence.
For example Ben is in a hurry vs Ben is in a comma
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
One takes photos, the other takes five toes!
I don’t know why I love bad puns so much
It’s just how eye roll
A warning to people with kidney disease.
Urine trouble.
I spotted a bunch of people in a long line and asked with a laugh “is this the punch line?”
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
What’s E.T. Short for?
So he can fit in his spaceship
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
What nationality is Santa?
North Polish.
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
I went to the doctor…
I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.” I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”
The invention of the shovel
Was groundbreaking
Did you hear about the scarecrow who got a promotion?
He was out standing in his field.
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick this morning
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket..
They lied, everyone else had their clothes on
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs
I called it the second hand second hand store
The boiled water died
It shall me mist
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas!
Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
What does an annoying pepper do?
It get’s jalapeño face…
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. “Can you describe the symptoms ?”, he asked.
I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"
I went to get tornado insurance for my camp site, but the bank refused.
They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
Me: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to feel that 60 is the new 30.
Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!
Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…"
What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?
Chardoneigh
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler’s outbursts a “temper tantrum.”
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
What do baby parabolas drink?
Quadratic Formula! Maybe this is more of a mom joke… Edit: this isn’t my joke. I thought this sub might enjoy it though
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I've got two half sisters.
I sprayed Windex on a spotted lantern fly today.
He died. It was a clean kill.
I met an Australian guy who works in IT.
I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
