Life before that was a blur.
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply
A cow with no lips!
Me: Are you kidding?? Her: Technically, Yes.
I read it on an Instagram post.
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could use a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin" replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?" "Well, actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
For example Ben is in a hurry vs Ben is in a comma
One takes photos, the other takes five toes!
It’s just how eye roll
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
So he can fit in his spaceship
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
A: In case he got a hole in one.
I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.” I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”
He was out standing in his field.
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
They lied, everyone else had their clothes on
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I called it the second hand second hand store
It shall me mist
The same thing Arkansas!
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
It get’s jalapeño face…
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. “Can you describe the symptoms ?”, he asked.
I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"
They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…"
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
Quadratic Formula! Maybe this is more of a mom joke… Edit: this isn’t my joke. I thought this sub might enjoy it though
I've got two half sisters.
He died. It was a clean kill.
I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"