If someone pays for sex…
You can tell Monopoly is an old game…
…because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
I keep telling myself to quit drugs
Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict
Tasers are next
You know the thing about holy water
I don't see the use of water with holes
Who has two thumbs and loves Peter Pan?
Not Captain Hook.
The boss with no ears
Three men are waiting outside the office of an executive for a job interview. The first man goes to walk in, but the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man says, flustered, “You have no ears.” The boss says, “Get the hell out of here.” The second man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man pauses, anxious, sweating – finally he says, “You have no ears.” The boss says, even angrier, “Get the hell out of here!” The third man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man says, “That you wear contacts.” The boss is stunned; he even tears up and says, “No one has ever noticed. How did you know?” The man says, “Well you can’t wear glasses, you have no ears.”
Watching Anime and Smoking Weed
oh the 60’s
The SpaceX interview be like…
Adverts in elevators.
I hate these multi-level marketing schemes.
Radios play music.
And that's a stereo type.
In the English language, the word “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” has the most number of syllables at 19.
This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables). Source: Catholic Exchange Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence that that word in the OP I can barely understand had only one more syllable than "Gloria".
Donaldian News Cycle
Joe’s not holding back
Kids an Animals must have some 6th sense
It’s not socialism, because I’m in oil and gas
Modern day art is a joke
i might be old but i got the spirit
Really? This is like the Twilight Zone
I saw a woman crying in the supermarket
So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit. It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 in the car park
Shout out to all those fighting for their right to kill people
Let the games begin!
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
From my training class
tonight on Hannity
If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells…
Does that make them shotgun snails?
Boomer shit + 5G meme? They’re evolving
Yo mama so fat
We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.
This tweet should age like room temperature milk….
It’s a simple spell but quite unbreakable
Went to the sperm bank today…
The lady asked if I would like to masterbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet'.
Sad State of affairs
My son said he coloured himself with a highlighter pen from the neck upwards during work today.
I think it's a bold-faced lie.
A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.
They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’ She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how was it?’ The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says… . . . . . . . . . "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"
Gus just wants to help you work out!
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
My family treats me like a God
They forget that I exist unless they want something
Use our code to get a free month
My friend made this, and it needs to be appreciated…
Always with the noses
A truck full of donkeys passed me on the highway
He was really hauling ass.
Most slutty costume for Halloween goes to?
That girl dressed up as my professor, she barely covered anything important.
Capitalism good, socialism bad
My Drug Dealer Sold Me Some Shoes Today..
I don't know what he laced em with, but I've been trippin all day!
My Math teacher told me 0! = 1
But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1
Based on my physics class
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists.
Mine is just a little pail in comparison.
Straight outta Facebook
Not sure if serious or passive aggressive satire
I called the doctor, “My Wife is going into labor! What should I do?”
“Is this her first child?” He asks. “No this is her Husband.”
My aunt posts a lot of gold on her Facebook but I think this is my new favorite
Jewish coming out
Yosef walks up to his mother. "Imma, I want you to know that I am homosexual and I will marry my boyfriend, Raul." After a long awkward silence she frowns. "Raul? That is not a Jewish name!"
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
I don’t know whether I should laugh or cry
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado. (My 8 year old just made it up)
What’s the warmest part of a room?
The corners. They’re 90 degrees.
What do you call a horse with no nose?
A yes horse.
Insert Title Here
How do functions break up?
An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, ‘I need to search your ranch for illegally grown drugs.’ The rancher replies, ‘Okay, but don’t go into the field over there.’
The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs….. 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
Don’t you dare entry our territory
This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
The best things about webs are thier eventlisteners
At first I read tickled into thinking