If someone pays for sex…
My friend said ALL comforters are too hot….
I told him that was a blanket statement.
The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries – $1 each.
I thought to myself “these should be free of charge”.
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.
[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.
One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in the garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know that boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment. And what's the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?" Bob got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?” He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” "Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” Bob replied, "I wasn't…"
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early ?
Because dawn is tough on Greece
Once I was in a band called teenage bed
We never made it.
What did the 0 say to the 8 ?
Nice belt
Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
I must have an amazing butt
Whenever I'm done talking to people and walk away they say "What an ass"
i call myself terms and conditions
because y'all keep ignoring me
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
So my brother’s girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!
So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.
Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college.
I don’t think I can ever repay you.
Why do insomniacs have dirty floors?
They have trouble sweeping..
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.
It runs in my jeans.
A 3-month pregnant woman into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they’re fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no! Not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Oh, well that’s not so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
When my friend said I knew nothing about Asia..
…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.
Social distancing isn’t just a recommendation, it’s a commandment.
Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor's house
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
Did you hear about the antenna that got married?
The ceremony wasnt much but the reception was amazing!
How does a cowboy start his day?
He reboots
My friend’s financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.
That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.
Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”
Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!” Teacher : “Okay what else?”
The guys who wrote the song “Maneater” started a horse-feed delivery service.
They called it "Haulin' Oats."
It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.
He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants. “Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!” He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again. “Shit!” He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. Once again, he lets go and drops straight to the ground. “This is bullshit. I didn’t even have that much to drink!” When he finally crawls to the sidewalk, he grabs hold of a light pole. Again, he pulls himself up, lets go, and immediately collapses. “Shit, this is going to be a long crawl home!” It’s a long, grueling trek, but he finally makes it home. By the time he reaches his front steps, the sky is a light pink and blue and birds are beginning to chirp. As he reaches for the doorknob, it twists and the door swings wide open. He looks up to see his ever-so-livid wife glaring down at him. “Honey, I can explain! I just had too much to drink, and…” “Yeah, I know. The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again.”
Yogurt on the bus [NSFW]
On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater." She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt…" I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.
You can hide, but you can’t run.
Last year i was depressed and miserable,
But this year I've turned it around, I'm miserable and depressed
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"