If the entire world being stopped by an invisible virus isn’t too bizarre to accept…Nah, this still won’t ever happen.
I’m getting sick of them
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, “What’s happening now?”
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
Because he had loads to do.
I'm not buying it.
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.
“Orchids?” asks the florist “No, just the flowers” he replied
Because water decreases concentration.
But none of them work.
No text found
His funeral was very low key
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.
Just beer i guess.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
A tea toddler
He said it was on the house
It's a pane in the ass
At least until the Librarian caught me.
But then i turned myself around.
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
But it’s definitely up there.
It came completely out of the purple…
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room