If the fast food restaurant chain Culver’s shut down every store except one in Montana what would they call it?
A pirate walks into a bar.
His pants are open in the front, and there’s a steering wheel inside them. The bartender looks at him. “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” “Arrrrgh,” replies the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
I just cross-bred an alligator and a homing pigeon.
I expect that'll come back to bite me.
What do you call a mythical creature with a cold?
Vote him out in November
The first Karen to get covid was….
I had a dream that i was drowning in an ocean of orange soda. . .
But when I woke I realized that it was just a Fanta sea.
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too
Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
What did Delaware?
Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a man with a book?
He was sentenced to death
A girl reached into my pants today and said
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
The exact moment a “states rights” president claims total authority over them.
Welcome to the tutorial
I should learn multiprocessing
A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.
"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.
I had the best Dad moment last night… *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad… how many kidneys do I have? Me: Two. You have two, son. Son: Nope… I have four. point to belly Two kidneys here… points to legs …and two kid knees here! The student has become the teacher.
Not my first pick
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies. poof The horse disappears. This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”. But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: “ok, this isn’t working out.”
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
What is your favorite text editor?
We won!!! Oh.
Gotta love it
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They’d all be a lot more comfortable
Radios play music.
And that's a stereo type.
I have automated it, so now stop reposting this meme
It really does, unfortunately.
What did the grape say when it was crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
A German is trying to to make his way to Paris
At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?” “Hans Mueller.” “Place of residence?” “Munich.” “Occupation?” “No, just vacation this time.”
There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me." Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. "Now hold these in both hands," he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, "Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic. Dad: Never said I was a good one.
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Why did the banker push down the old lady
He was checking her balance
Found on im14andthisisdeep, but it looks like more of a boomer thing
But her emails!
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knee to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
Multithreading: fixing a problem
Must be a play about ghosts
Wife is pregnant
Wife- I’m pregnant Husband- Hi pregnant, I’m dad Wife- No, you’re not
Global rationing has begun.
Crosspost from /funny
Spectroscopy throws heart attacks like there is no tomorrow.
Posted this 3 years ago but still my oc
Teacher : Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.
Student : I is the … Teacher : Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student : OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
My aunt’s motivation. Cmon guys we can do this!
DaM MilLenIaLs wAnT fAiR RepResEntaTion
Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was profanity; those that weren't profanity were, to say the least, rude. Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, anything she could think of. Nothing worked. She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird became even madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace. For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm. Perfectly calm, the parrot said, "I am very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior, and I am sure it will never happen again." Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
When children have to be the adults
A loop by any other name would smell as sweet
“Local man yells at cloud”
Encountered this in the Facebook wilderness
I keep dreaming this horse is trying to kill me.
She’s a nightmare
It’s that time of year again.
One night a viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out the window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife was confused and asked him "How do you know?" He looked at her and responded "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." Edit: Oooh my first Silver, thank you very much whoever you are!
A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket…
A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again. The hostess leaves to go get help from other attendants. Multiple women try their luck at explaining to the blond that she's in the wrong seat, but none prevail. Eventually, they seek the help of the Captain. "She's blonde, you say?" queried the Captain. The hostess' nod. "Shouldn't be an issue, my wife is blonde" The Captain gets up and approaches the woman – the hostess' watching from a distance. After a few seconds the blond quickly gathers her things and heads back to her seat. The Captain returns to the hostess'. Amazed, they ask how he did it. "It's simple, really" he said, "I just told her first class wasn't flying to Detroit" My mate told me this one when we were in 4th grade, I randomly just remembered it so I thought I'd share. It's not laugh-out-loud funny, but I think it warrants a short exhale out the nose <3
MS Java is a great language and not confusing at all (I still love it tho)
Print “hello world”
What is a wise, old priest’s favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar
I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000…
I can’t stand it!
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. "How much for a hand-job?" "$5,000" she replies. "$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way." "Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me $5,000 for hand jobs." He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?" "$15,000" she replies. "$15,000?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts "Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me $15,000 for blow jobs." "Fine, how can i say no?" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?" "Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks. "No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded. "No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy…"
Television for sale
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” – I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
For a second, I couldn’t decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
This joke has been marked as a duplicate.
Well we obviously can’t trust the word of a corrupt person that someone is corrupt