If the opposite of “pro” is “con”,
Then the opposite of “progress” is “Congress”
(Dads can be woke too)
Welcome to camouflage training
I’ve got to say I’m disappointed to see so many of you here
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile
by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
My son asked me where pooh came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
A little perplexed he stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked, “and tigger?”
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
A pun walks in and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead.
Bob the milkman
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's been having an affair with Bob the milkman." "What!?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the milkman want to fuck that?"
What do you call a spinning potato?
A ro-tator!
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,
Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Don’t be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Rest In Peace Boiled Water
You'll be mist.
It’s easy to deter the ladies from eating tide pods but…
it’s more difficult to deter…gents
[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?" "No" she sobbed I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
The lockdown is getting to me…
Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
I told my wife we could still have a threesome during this Coronavirus pandemic.
There would be six feet between us.
I’m starting a tattoo business. Women who show their breasts get tattooed for free.
I'll call it 'tit for tat".
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Taking my mother-in-law off her life support was one of the hardest things I’ve done.
I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.
Children bad for trying to help save enviroment. Wife good for doing nothing.
https://ift.tt/2qu7GS4
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My bald surgeon friend is the most charismatic guy I know.
He is a real smooth operator.
What rhymes with banana?
No it doesn't
My dad sent this to me this morning. He sends shit like this all the time unironically
https://ift.tt/2Xk88k7
Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.
Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better. Me: But mom, I love her so much! Mom: I'm talking to her.
I went to the doctor and he cloned me without my permission.
I was beside myself.
What do you call an elephant who doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
I got thrown out of math class today.
The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?" Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the expected answer…
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
You Matter!
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy…
Nobody likes my joke about paper
It's tearable