If the stork is the bird of birth, what’s the bird of birth control?
I have to base a paragraph in my essay off of this comic… help?
Um gonna wait.
I went to the eye doctor.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
found in my government textbook
Found on r/funny. Truly great stuff…
How the turns have tables
What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?
A father in law
What do you want to spend taxes on?
What is a Redditors favorite food?
Conspiracy theory extraordinaire
Found this in my History Book
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot… do you want to *fuck us*?'”
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots… to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.
Not humor but damn
BlueJ is aids
Line-cutter @ Costco this a.m. schooled by seniors…
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
Hahaha rap music bad, Islam virgin joke.
60 b/m 60 diastolic.. But 135 systolic..
How programmers show their love
make rheum coming through
Nobody ever asks “How is Coke doing ?”
It's always "Is Pepsi ok ?"
Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.
He came closer and asked what problem is. Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope. Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.” After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily. Yes, said the old man. “He had nails driven on his hands and feet.” Jesus started and hugged the man, saying “FATHER!” The old man screamed happily, “PINOCCHIO!”
Generalizations are kinda funny tbh
Trial and error for ever
Yknow this is a pretty solid point
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money …. he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this — they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
Click here to get rickrolled
You probably expected a rickroll, but NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
Computer Science Meme: dynamically typed languages
Who woulda thunk it?
Boys I found the treasure
The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.
After the owner teached him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand. 'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks. 'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.' So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving young Jeremy in charge of the store. Some time later, a woman walks in. She's in search of a mechanized equivalent of the male boomstick of glory. Jeremy shows her the so-called model 'Hercules'; huge, veiny and with a firm grip. The woman is very intrigued and leaves the store thrilled to bits. Several other women pass by aswell and Jeremy proves himself to be a keen salesman of battery-powered penises. All women leave the store satisfied with there purchase. Then an elderly lady walks in the store in search of some private pleasure. Jeremy shows her the top of the stock, but the lady seems dearly unimpressed. Then, a spectacular model catches her eye. 'What about that red one?' she asks. 'Oh, I see, mylady is a connoisseur!' Jeremy replies. He shows her the model and with a light tred and a big grin, the lady leaves the store. Later that afternoon, the boss returns and asks how business has been. Beaming with pride, Jeremy replies: 'It was great! I made quite the sells!' 'Oh really?' the boss asks, impressed, 'what models did you sell?' 'Well sir, 1 model Hercules, 1 model King Kong, 2 LongSchlong21's and the fire-extinguiser.'
A friend suggested trying a local honey for my allergies. So I did that.
Now my wife wants a divorce.
You should send a picture of your ex to NASA.
Apparently they are desperate to get a photo of A hole that sucks all your time and energy.
My wife said I had a terrible sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
It's not stroganoff
Dogs like doorbells
I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..
Made a little something you can send to people who should just use a search engine
Phone bad, alcohol good
What do you call a sleeping Triceratops?
My friend Jay recently had twins, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
One of them is not telling the truth.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now
they are a non-prophet organization
meanwhile in the land of the free™ …
Fuck your fragile feelings!
A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
Hyper Text Transfer Pidgeon (HTTP)
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
If anyone on Facebook posts “He has risen”
Remind them to use the [spoiler] tag. Some of us haven’t read the book.
“I’m sure my wife won’t like this”
While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."
I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels
It's my new year's resolution
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It's something that a hundred men or more could never do…
Are you smarter than a fifth grader?
Thought this belonged here as well
New Tesla’s dont have a new car smell
The come with a Elon Musk.
Posted Unironically on FB