If Titanic sank today
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
How does a Jewish person make tea?
Hebrews it
My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We’ve been married nine years today.
A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall. He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic. The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?" The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
When the flutist found out she was making less money than the cellist was making…
She wondered what the bass salary is.
If I had to rate the Solar System
I would give it one star
Justice is a dish best served cold because…
…if it were served warm, it would be justwater…
And hoping I didn’t actually pack a bomb at the airpont gate
And hoping I didn’t actually pack a bomb at the airpont gate
A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
https://ift.tt/2SJYMM4
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the fuck cologne.
what I if told you…
that you misread the first line of this joke
My drug test came back negative.
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
My mate David had his ID stolen…
… I now call him Dav.
I tried to think of a good Star Wars pun
But it just felt Forced.
How easy is it to get Reddit karma?
Repost a popular joke from yesterday, It’s a piece of cake.
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow: Mind if I say a word?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “Bargain.”
The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."
What’s a snail on a boat?
A snailor
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don't.
Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
President Trump was told about the new abortion bill.
Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff: “I thought I paid that bill already.”
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Jewish coming out
Yosef walks up to his mother. "Imma, I want you to know that I am homosexual and I will marry my boyfriend, Raul." After a long awkward silence she frowns. "Raul? That is not a Jewish name!"
My sex life is like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms, no dates.
As I get older and my eyesight gets worse, I can only think of one thing:
When will I get adult super vision?
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-Smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial"
What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3 Me: There you go. So, what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Son: Mom, Dad, I’m gay.
Dad: clenches fist Mom: DON’T Dad: sweats profusely Mom: … Dad: HI GAY I’M DAD
A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink. After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone. “Pssst… that color looks nice on you.” He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?” The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
I cried when my mom chopped onions
Onions was a good dog.
I mixed an orange flavored soda and a twig once…
…it was fantastic!
I saw a midget get pickpocketed today.
I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.