If two vegans are having an argument, is it still considered beef?
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I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition
I don't know where I came
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who brought home a goat in a bucket His wife said โis that dinner?โ He said โNo, Iโm a sinnerโ And took it up stairs to fuck it.
Whatโs the difference between the swine flu and the bird flu?
One requires oinkment, and the other requires tweetment.
Teresa May dies…
Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven." "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to an elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and she finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it her dad…and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped her out over the years……. The whole of the "Right" was there. Everyone laughing…happy…casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to May with a frosty drink, "Have a Marguerita and relax, Theresa!" "Uh, I can't drink any more, Iโm watching my weight" says May, dejectedly. "This is Hell, Theresa: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!" May takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad. They are having such a great time that, before she realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves as May steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, she is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours May is made to chill with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, she doesn't see anybody she knows, and she isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to May, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff. "Whoa," she says uncomfortably to herself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!" The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity." With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, May reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this – I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all – but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste…kind of like Middlesborough. She is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to May and puts an arm around her shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked May, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and caviar….drank cocktails. We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!" The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."
A kiss might make her day.
But anal will make her hole weak.
i made this in under 2 minutes because i thought about it and needed it to be done
https://ift.tt/374H6j5
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He saw a sign at the front of a building that said "chicken strips for $2"
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, โWhat exactly happened before The Big Bang?โ
He said, โSorry. No time.โ
a dick’s life
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually.
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?
To break on through to the other side
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
โHow are you mate?โ โYeah Iโm okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.โ I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said โYour dadโs sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond โGet away with ya… Prove it.โ I shouted downstairs โHey, mate! Both of them?โ He shouted back โOf course both of them! Whatโs the point in fucking one?โ EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
โI used to love tractors.โ
What’s a flat tire’s favorite vegetable?
A spare, I guess
Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?
Because you canโt C in the dark.
My favorite response when I’m canceling an account and they force me to give them feedback
https://ift.tt/33TlSnc
I never understood school shooting jokes…
I guess theyโre aimed at a younger audience.๏ปฟ
I taught a wolf to meditate
Heโs now Aware Wolf
before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether / oar situation.
I broke my finger today
But on the other hand im fine
Being a scarecrow is a tough job…
but hay… Itโs in my jeans.
If anyone needs a tip on where to store leftover Halloween candy…
Iโve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
