The Star Wars series is coming out with a female villain
She'll be able to use the force to raise and lower things. Her name will be Ella Vader
What’s the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon
I'll let you know.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.
It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention. He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit her. The father finds it reasonable and tells the sister not to tell people about it as it is embarrassing the brother. The next day she goes to school and the teacher notices the black eye. The teacher goes up to girl and asks if she is alright. The girl responds that she is fine. The teacher then asks how she got such a nasty black eye. The sister responds, “My father told me not to say.”
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions, she laugh at me…
So I just right her left there.
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
$20.00 for a T-Shirt? Ridiculous! $20.00 for DLC skins? Sold!
$20.00 for a T-Shirt? Ridiculous! $20.00 for DLC skins? Sold!
What did pink panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant, dead ant. Deadant deadant deadant, dead ant, DEAD AAAANT. Deadant.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!
Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory..
when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.” “Like what?” Ted said. “All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said. “Well what’s yours like?” Ted said. “Well straight like normal,” Ed said. “I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours,” Ted said. Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Ted said. “Shaking off the excess drops,” Ed said. “Like normal.” “Shit,” Ted said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it!”
I wa robbed by six dwarves today.
Not Happy.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
Who do you call when you break your toe?
The Toe Truck (Tow Truck)
I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website…
… I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.
Last year i was depressed and miserable,
But this year I've turned it around, I'm miserable and depressed
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
What do you call a fat neo-nazi?
A wide supremacist.
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.
Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off
Mona Lisa was framed.
Then they hung her.
My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy
I just don't see it myself
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
Never start a pillow fight with Death…
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
The problem with Trump jokes:
Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.
I have a stepladder…
It's a very nice step ladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.