If you ask a slutty teacher at dental school for an oral exam they’ll have no idea whether they should examine your way of giving head, your teeth or your dental skills.
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?" Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
The guy who stole my diary just died…
My thoughts are with his family!
I failed my decimals exam
But hey, at least I gave it 109.98%
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?
8 pirates
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
One of my hair accessories is angry and it’s amusing to watch, but I don’t know what to do now.
I don't want to comb placate things.
Joke
Police: “Open the door!” – Man: “I don’t want any balls!” – Police: “What? We don’t have balls!” – Man: “I know.”
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.” The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s thing.” The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. “That was great,” the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!”
What do you call a hipster’s wife?
Mississippi!
What’s the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day, but on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
My friend is a gay midget, who finally decided it was time to tell his parents
I was so proud of him for coming out of the cabinet!
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there is a mile between the S's. Have to give credit to my ten year old daughter for this one… Apparently I'm bringing her up right.
I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.
Seriously, what is the world cumming to?
A man came up to me and said “Man, your clothes look gay”.
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
To be frank…
i'd have to change my name
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
A guy walks in to a psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts
The psychiatrist says "Well I can clearly see your nuts"
I know global warming is bad
but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
What’s the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?
Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers, I mean you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors…
Or art students calling themselves unemployed.
My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
An Asian man and a Jewish man walk into a bar
The Chinese man goes: “Hi, my name is Joe Chan, what’s yours?” The Jew replies: “Michael Goldberg… Hey you know, I never did forget you Koreans for Pearl Harbor.” The Chinese man, surprised, replies: “Uhhh… Pearl Harbor was done by the Japanese, not Koreans, and I’m Chinese.” “Well.. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, what’s the difference?” “You know… I never did forgive you Jews for sinking the Titanic.” “Uhhh… but that was an iceberg.” “Greenberg, Goldberg, iceberg, what’s the difference?”
