If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike
I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle.
What Did the Janitor Say When He Jumped Out of the Closet?
"Supplies!" I'll see myself out
Why is Ireland the biggest country in the world?
Because it keeps Dublin.
Recently I bumped into the guy that sold me an antique globe.
Itās a small world.
One of my kitchen gadgets is randomly playing classical music
I think itās the Chopin board.
Dad Joke Witnessed IRL
Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Clerk: "Sir, are you here for an oil change?" Guy (probably in his 70s): "No, but the car is." Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except for the movie Up. He's never gonna give you Up.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer?
Ā All that time, and nothing to chauffeur it…
What do you call a nose without a body?
Nobody nose!
Thereās a lot of big words youāre hearing little buddy, I know itās confusing …
https://ift.tt/2KkFdp3
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
Who really cares if I don’t know what apocalypse means?
It's not the end of the world
My wife told me, āI donāt think Iāve ever seen you mop or sweep in my life!ā
Me: Floors are beneath me.
An old man was on his death bed.
He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I put in a cheque for the full amount."
A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.
āGod bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpaā The father asked āwhy did you say good bye grandpa?ā The little girl said āI donāt know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.ā The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had indeed died. The father thought that it was just a very lucky coincidence. A few months later, he tucked her daughter into bed, and she said a prayer. āGod bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma.ā And of course, the next day, the grandmother died. The father realized that his daughter could predict the family deaths, and that this was no coincidence. A few weeks later, he tucked his daughter into bed, and her prayer went āGod bless mommy, and good bye daddy.ā Her father went into shock. He stood up all night waiting for the worse, and then sunrise came. He decided to just stay at work the entire day to be safe. He stayed at his office until midnight came. When it did, nothing happened. He breathed a sigh of relief. When he came home, his wife asked why he was home so late. āI had the worst day of my life.ā Said the father. āIf you think your day was hard, you wonāt believe what happened to me, my boss died in the middle of a meeting!ā
Tried drawing my girl who passed away, will not try drawing again. Sure do miss her though
https://ift.tt/2BWHv9f
A dad was washing his car with his son.
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
I donāt get why people hate necromancers so much.
Canāt a guy just raise a family in peace?
Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant
They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed – service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside. The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in here." The man replies, you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." Skeptical, the manager asks, "your guide dog is a doberman?" The man replies, "you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars." The manager lets him through. The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside. The manager approaches him and says, "sir, you can't bring your dog in here." The man replies, "you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, "your guide dog is a chihuahua?" The man, quick to think, says, "a chihuahua? They gave me a chihuahua?!?"
A guest calls the waiter and complains, āHow come there are no chairs at our table?!ā
The waiter shrugs, āIām sorry but you only booked one tableā¦ā
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
My friends all claim that Iām the cheapest person they ever met.
Iām not buying it.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Time
'What time is it?' 'Dunno, pass me that trombone and I'll find out.' Blows trombone loudly Someone shouts: 'WHOS THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM!!?'
Why doesn’t the Pope like trigonometry?
It has a lot of sin
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer
My friend is obsessed with monorails.
He truly has a one track mind.
I got the words, ājacuzziā and āyakuzaā confused…
Now Iām in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
When do astronauts eat?
At launch time
I had a near-sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him…
She says hello. Heās rather taken aback because he canāt place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies: "I think youāre the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly: "No, Iām your sonās teacher."
Why was 11am afraid of 12am?
It hated the dark.
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
I failed my decimals exam
But hey, at least I gave it 109.98%
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta
I was explaining to my son how a baton is used in relay races, and he understood right away.
I gotta hand it to him.
I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.