If you choke an ankle, you’ve hit the bottom wrung.
Why do dachshunds love to race?
Because in the end, they’re all wieners.
Dad jokes?
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet. Me: Yeah, that’s the one.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods
But its harder to deter gents
Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?
A lot of conditioning
Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?
Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause truants don't go to school! (I came up with this right now)
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't." I said.
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback
How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?
Attorney-kit.
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
I was on a date with a woman who said “I am a big country fan.”
Me trying to sound intelligent: " Well, China is 3.7 million square miles. "
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
I’ve never actually seen someone use a newspaper to kill a spider, shoes work better
https://ift.tt/3bGffYi
A linguistics professor says during a lecture….
“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
An alcoholic law student walks into a bar . . .
He regretted not passing the bar.
Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me
I'm fine – i only suffered super fish oil injuries
A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar
But everyone’s cool about it and he’s served his drink. Then, after a few minutes he says, “Hey, bartender; wanna hear a blonde joke?” The place goes dead still. Finally the bartender says, “Look, mister, I know you’re visually challenged and all; I’m gonna cut you some slack. But there’s a few things you should know. “Sitting next to you, on your right, there’s an off-duty cop. She’s armed, and she’s a blonde. On your left you got a martial arts expert with black belts in seven different disciplines. She’s a blonde. At the table behind you, two sisters: a professional wrestling team. Both are blondes. And me, I got a .357 Magnum under the counter. I’m licensed, trained, and it’s loaded. And, you guessed it: I’m a blonde. “So I want you to choose your words carefully before you answer this question: do you still want to tell that blonde joke?” “Aw hell no. Not if I have to explain it five times!”
A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said “While you’re out, get some milk”
He never returned and the world ran out of milk.
MY SO left me because I’m too insecure
Oh wait nvm, she's back. Just went to go to the bathroom.
To the person who stole my copy of mircosoft office
I will find you, you have my word
I never say curse words
I swear
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?
They'll get over it.
Today, I crossed the street, changed a light bulb, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.