If you clean a vacuum cleaner
You become a vacuum cleaner
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Theyโll just shoot the room for being black
A pregnant woman is hit by a car
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!" The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital." She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?" "I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them." "What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?" "He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor. "Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?" To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting โAnother One Bites The Dustโ
The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one but itโs already been changed three times today.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
In college, I was so broke that I couldnโt afford to pay the electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
Is an entire TV show a valid โboomer humorโ submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8
What do you call a kinky dinosaur?
A Doyouhaveasoreass
A US senator died and went to heaven.
When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates. Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you get to decide where you want to spend eternity." The senator looks a bit bewildered and says "why can't I just go into heaven?" Peter replies:"sorry rules are rules, where do you want to go first?" The senator replies:"let's get the hard part out of the way first. I'll go to hell to begin with." Peter points to an elevator: "press the button and go all the way down." The senator walks over presses the button and starts heading down. Going down nothing changes everything seems the same as when he got in and when he hits the bottom it opens up to reveal a sandals resort-esque layout. As soon as he walks out a woman clad in a bikini gives him a mojito and he is greeted by three of his old friends. They walk over to a golf course and have a grand time catching up and talking. Then the devil walks up. Except no horns, nor hoofs, but rather a white linen suit. He smiles and starts cracking jokes and the Senator has a blast. At the end of 24 hours he gets back in the elevator and goes back up to the pearly gates. Peter greets him and asks: "how was it?" The Senator responds "amazing!" Peter raises an eyebrow quizzically and then directs him to the entrance of heaven. The Senator goes in and enjoys chilling on cloud furniture relaxing and enjoying himself but he is lonely and it just isn't the same without his friends. So at the end of the 48 hours he goes back to Peter. Peter asks him: "have you made up your mind? The Senator replies: "I have. Never thought I would say this in my entire life, but I would like to go to hell." Peter looks at him aghast. "Are you sure? Because once you make the choice it is irrevocable." The Senator replies "yes i'm sure." Peter again points to the elevator and replies: "May God have mercy on you." The Senator goes and gets into the elevator. This time as it goes down it starts getting warmer to the point where the elevator feels like a furnace. The elevator stops and opens, but this time itโs different. The Senator sees fire and caverns with devils chasing people with pitchforks and everything is well…hell. He walks up to the devil who this time has horns, hoofs, and wings. He says โWhen I came here the other day it was like a tropical beach resort, now itโs well hell. What happened??โ The devil looks at him and says smiling: โwell you see the other day we were campaigning, but today you voted.โ
A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, โ5 penises!? How do you pants fit?โ The man replies โLike a glove.โ
Iโll never forget my granddadโs last words to me just before he diedโฆ
โAre you still holding the ladder!?โ
What kind of bees makes milk?
Boo-bees
Why are we running out of toilet paper?
Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization…
…when will the U.S. government start arming them?
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and thereโs a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
Heโs been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesnโt have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. โOh my, I am so sorry,โ she says as she pops her eye back into place. โLet me buy your dinner to make it up to you.โ So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He canโt believe his luck. โYou know,โ he said, โyou are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?โ โNo,โ she replies, โYou just happened to catch my eye.โ
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.
They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. โGo away! Stop spying on us!โ The farmer says โSorry ladies, but I didnโt come out here to see you naked.โ Holding up his apple bucket he says โI came to feed the alligator.โ
A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.
โVery well, my child,โ says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, โTell me about your sins.โ โWell, Father,โ says the guy, โOn Monday, I was at my girlfriendโs house, and, wellโฆ the two of us alone, the house emptyโฆ I sinned, Father.โ โDonโt worry, child,โ says the priest, โItโs perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.โ โBut Father,โ continues the man, โIt doesnโt end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriendโs house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, wellโฆ the two of us alone, the house emptyโฆ I sinned again, Father.โ โOh, child,โ says the Father, โYou must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.โ โBut Father,โ says the bloke again, โOn Wednesday, I was at my girlfriendโs house again, and she wasnโt there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, wellโฆ the two of us alone, the house emptyโฆ Again I sinned, Father.โ โGood Lord,โ says the priest, โChild, you must think about what you do, so pray-โ โBut Father,โ says the bloke, โOn Thursday, I was at my girlfriendโs house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, wellโฆ the two of us alone, the house emptyโฆ I sinned yet again, Father.โ The priest falls silent. โAnd then,โ continues the bloke, โOn Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and , wellโฆ the two of us alone, the house emptyโฆโ The priest still did not answer. โAnd on Saturday,โ said the bloke, โI went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, wellโฆโ The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth โ only to find the priest up on the belfry. โFather,โ he calls, โWhat are you doing up there? I havenโt finished!โ โBack off, Iโm not coming down,โ says the priest, โThe two of us alone, the Church's fucking emptyโฆ and I donโt want you to sin anymore.โ
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.
I canโt wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Knock knock whoโs there Doris Doris who
Doris locked thatโs why Iโm knocking
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Just look for the fresh prints.
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter explained, “You died in your sleep, Bob.” Bob was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken." Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past, "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad." replied Bob the hen. "But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating." explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?!" "Never!" said Bob. "Well, just relax and let it happen." says the rooster. "It's no big deal." Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, "BOB!! Wake up!! You've shit the bed!"
I heard the bakers parents were also bakers.
You could say he was bread for the job.
If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.
Because sin90 = cot45.