If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
Because sin90 = cot45
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
When I was in kindergarten, I was so caught up in learning the names of all the numbers that I memorized them out of order.
I couldn't see the fours for the threes.
I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
I ordered a chicken and an egg on amazon.
I will let you know.
A man answers the door and sees two police officers standing there.
Officer: I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a horrible car accident Husband: But she has a great personality.
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday
I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
I named my horse “Mayo”
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
In Cuba, a steak pie will cost you 1.50. But a pork pie will cost 1.80, whereas a macaroni pie will cost 2.30 and a chicken pie will cost 2.75.
These are pie-rates of the Caribbean.
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I am an overachiever.
Overdraft…overfed…overtired..
I, for one
Like Roman numerals
I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was ‘in the event of a fire, what steps would you take?’
‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer.
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t…
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far…
Dear whoever stole my disc copy of Microsoft office
I will find you. You have my Word.
A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.
The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he goes to the sheriff just to make sure he isn’t breaking the law in anyway. He explains everything and the sheriff just laughs and says, “Of course those Russians are buying your potatoes, Russians love dictators!”
Cosmetic surgery used to be something that people would be embarrassed to speak about
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.
“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.” A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?” Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?” A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.
After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.
There’s a nutcase going around our town stabbing people with knitting needles.
Twelve individuals have been attacked in the last 48 hours. The Police have announced that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern
A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister go to a blood drive
The rabbit says “I’m pretty sure I’m a type-o”
Q: How do you tell if there’s an elephant hiding in your refrigerator?
A: Look for footprints in the butter. Q: How do you tell there are 2 elephants hiding in your refrigerator? A: You can hear them fighting for room. Q: How do you tell there are 3 elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's more no room for the butter. Q: How do you tell there are 4 elephants in your refrigerator? A: You need a fork lift to move it. Q: You're in an airplane that's running out of fuel much more quickly than expected and is going to crash. What does the pilot throw out to save the plane? A: Your refrigerator. Q: Greg and Rich were playing their weekly game of chess. Greg always wins, but this time Rich was so close. He sat there thinking, and thinking, and thinking, trying to find an opening. He thought for so long that he died, and Greg won. How did Rich die? A: A refrigerator fell on him. Q: The Lion King called a huge meeting and demanded that all the animals come. There were the cheetahs, antelope, wildebeests, rattle snakes, hippopotamus, literally almost everyone one was there for the big meeting. But they couldn't start because there was one animal missing. Who was is? A: The elephants, because they were in your refrigerator. Q: Your walking across a desert when you come to a big river. You are so hungry that you're about to faint, but you can see several fruit trees full of fruit on the other side. There's an old bridge across the river, but it has a sign that says "Bridge closed due to snake infestation." Along the river there are also signs that say "Warning: Crocodiles – no swimming." How do you get across the river? A: Just take the bridge. All the animals are at the Lion King's meeting. Just some absurd jokes from my childhood 😉
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!"
Have you heard the story of the Spanish magician?
He was on stage one day and said "Uno…dos…" and then he disappeared without a tres.
Last week at the zoo, I saw a baguette in a cage.
It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.
A man goes to see a sex therapist
"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three" "Please open your mouth," the therapist says. The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully. "I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."
A little boy asked his mother one day…
"Mother, is god a man or a woman?" Mother thought about it, all the debates and political correctness and works… And replied "both". The boy went away in deep thoughts for a while and came back. "Mother, is god black or white?" She thought of the history and racial politics and stuff and replied "both". The boy again in deep thoughts went away for a while and came back. "Mother, is god gay or straight?" She thought of that aspect and replied "both". The little boy jumped with joy and exclaimed "I got it! I got it! It's Michael Jackson!" Note – It's not my joke, only sharing.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted