If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?
Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
Boy: Fires handgun at the shooting range…
Dad: "You're holding a shot gun now."
A blowjob is not an apology
But go slow; I'm listening.
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
/r/Jokes/comments/fxvl3o/i_asked_my_friend_the_baker_what_is_the_key_to/
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
I used to be in a band called “The Hinges”
We opened for The Doors
I don’t hate bread
I loaf it 🍞
My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.
My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy. She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.” I snickered, “Oh yeah and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”
She laughed, “Your name never came up in conversation.”
What weighs less than blue ?
Light blue
Helium walks into a bar
The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react
My friend hit me with a full bottle of Coke…
But it didn't hurt, because it was a soft drink!
Police are like a box of chocolates
They'll kill your dog
A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.
As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck. The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.” The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.” BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman. Thrilled by her success the woman says “genie I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!” BAM! With a snap of the genies fingers the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels. While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly and said “you have one wish left.” The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the buildings transformation. The woman looked up at the genie and said “this cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!” BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man. Immediately enamored bu her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered “Too bad you had me neutered.”
I watched a documentary on mushrooms tonight.
I'll probably watch them all like that from now on.
Teenage daughter asked “When is that new Elton John movie coming out?”
I replied "I think it's gonna be a long, long time"
It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.
Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.
My ex- rapper friend decided to stop his gardening business because he was really careless with his tools.
He has hoes in different area codes.
I bought a wooden car today.
Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. Wooden start.
Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick
It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease. The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus. "But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket. "I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests." "But my fever, the pain in my lungs…what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?" The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."
What do you call a one-armed karate man?
A partial artist!
A dad is lying on his deathbed with his son standing over him
Son: I’m really gonna miss you, Dad. The dad, with his dying breath, utters, “Hi Really Gonna Miss You, I’m Dad.” A single tear rolls down the son’s cheek
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
Do you need an ark?
I Noah guy.
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late to his first class, 8 minutes late to his second, and 4 minutes late to the third.
At this rate, he will never be in class on time.