If you ever feel your job is meaningless…
Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's
How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.' Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.' 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn). 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs. 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs." 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
Did you hear Homer Simpson is a martial Arts instructor?
He teaches Taekwon D'oh!
What is the only fruit you can sit on?
A cherry.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, girl ant and if it floats, buoyant
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
I guarantee they will all start price gouging too. Likely individually and discreetly so nobody notices.
I guarantee they will all start price gouging too. Likely individually and discreetly so nobody notices.
A television newslady is interviewing a horse that can tell whether a person is a homosexual or not. “Am I homosexual?” Asked the newslady. “Neigh,” said the horse.
The newslady turns to the camera and says, "you heard it folks. 'Straight' from the horses mouth."
Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?
Because the meat was Chewie.
Two Jehovah’s Witnesses die and go to Heaven.
As they're knocking at the Pearly Gates, St Peter turns around and whispers… "Turn out the lights and everybody be quiet!! Maybe they'll think we're not home."
Doctor: “Alright, it looks like we’re ready to deliver the baby.”
Me: “Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver.”
A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain. After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”
If anyone on Facebook posts “He has risen”
Remind them to use the [spoiler] tag. Some of us haven’t read the book.
I’m best friend’s with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don't know why
A Russian group I’m in keeps posting trash like this and reposting it 999 times
https://ift.tt/2xQdrxx
I had a granny that we couldnt decide whether to bury or cremate
In the end we decided to just let her live.
If you boil your funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock
That's humerus.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies." So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar." The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells… "SUPPLIES!"
What is coding called on Tatooine?
Jabbascript
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
I always get confused between bowling and baseball…
But, to be fair, they have striking similarities
There was once a man who read no books
He roamed around as the most popular guy in the town. One day, his friend told recommended him a book, telling him that he "must read it!!" So he did. A while later, he went back to his friend, telling him that he had read it. Suddenly, a bunch of his friends dropped out of his life, like magic. Curious about his, he told another one of his friends that he had read it. Just like that, BAM! He now had half the friends that he used to have. He went around telling people, until no one knew him except for the guy who had recommended him the book. In tears, he asked him what had happened. His friend replied, "oh, didn't I tell you?" "Tell me what?" "People who use "read it" have no friends."
I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard
I said toucan play that game.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling. Some were considered prime suspects in 9’s death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. 6 snuck into 7’s house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly inappropriate position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9’s body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal… 7 8 9. 6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows… And promptly solve his problem.
Spiderman saves the day with help of a sad joke.
https://ift.tt/32dkF7K
The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me to ask whether I got their email. I said no.
They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
I used to be friends with an anti-vaxxer’s kid.
She got sick of me.
When it comes to nudist contests…
I barely qualify.
I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.
And then it dawned on me.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
I slept with a blind woman the other night. It went pretty well, mostly.
Once the clothes came off she said to me "You have the biggest dick I have ever laid my hands on" I said, "Stop pulling my leg."
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."