If you have some handy…
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
Never get in a fight with a T-rex.
You'll get jurasskicked..
Dirty Old Man Joke #536
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered – 'Is that one word, or two?'
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill.
Looks like she is preparing some kind of barbie queue.
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didn’t do anything at all
Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands…
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
My wife told me she loves her new white board we put up…
I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."
Put a load in the dishwasher earlier
My wife prefers to call it intercourse
I walked into a room full of men masturbating
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
My wife asked me if I want a handjob or regular sex
I : handjob definitely . She(surprised) : why is that? I : because one in the hand is worth two in the bush
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office
I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
I shot my first turkey today…
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.
It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.
He asked the Pirate Captain. “Why do you have a wooden leg?” The Pirate Captain replied. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”. The boy then asked. “Why do you have a hook for a hand?” The Pirate Captain said. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me hand off so I have this hook to replace what’s gone”. The boy finally asked. “Why do you have a glass eye?” The Pirate Captain lowered his head slightly and replied. “A grain of sand blew up off the deck and got in me eye”. The boy stood there confused. The Pirate Captain, raising his head back up, said to the boy. “Argh. It was me first day with the hook”.
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
I’d be a terrible NASCAR driver
because I'm always right.
I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting
So I just came in my pants
Where does King T’Challa live?
In a Wacondo. My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?” “Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
A fisherman went back to work after taking a break for six months.
His friend approached him and said, "Hey, long time no sea."
How does a chicken pay its bills?
In quarters.
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
Why do people carry umbrellas?
Because umbrellas can't walk.
As a punishment I made my son read part of the dictionary.
He learned next to nothing.
John Travolta was hospitalized earlier today for suspected COVID-19.
Doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
Did you know that there’s actually no official training for garbage men?
They just pick it up as they go along.
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.
Velcro is such a rip-off
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