If you know who this hero is, you are a true scientist đ
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
Scientist walks into bar with an apple…
He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it." The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!" "Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite. "Tastes like orange juice! This is amazing! Now if only you could make it taste like pussy!" The scientist gives a look as he stands up and leaves the bar. The bartender feels bad assuming he offended the scientist. Several months later the scientist comes running into the bar screaming, " I did it! I did it! I made this apple taste like pussy!" Excited the bartender grabs it out of his hand and takes a bite. Groaning with disgust he spits it out all over the floor. "Yuck this tastes like shit!" The scientist smiles and says," turn it around."
a dick’s life
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints
My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.
I don't listen and something else…
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that Iâm going for a jog, and then I donât.
Itâs my longest running joke of the year.
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado- Son: I'm adopted?! Mother: No, you're adorable Son: sniffs Thanks, mom Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked. The monk replied "religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
My friend showed me his huge comic book collection…
It was quite a Marvel.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, Iâm sure heâll grow up to be a great dad đ)
Why should you never play poker against the Queen of England when she is sitting on a toilet?
Because you can't beat a royal flush.
Timmy was being raised by his single mother
When one day she sat him down and explains to him that sheâs given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands. It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoing hormone therapy, and finally having the surgery. Timmy was very supportive during the whole process. Even when he was teased by some kids at school. But eventually the process was complete and they decided to have a nice dinner to celebrate. But dinner was ruined. Timmyâs dad just kept making terrible pun after terrible pun. Thatâs when it hit Timmy like a ton of bricks. He asks âDid….did you go through all this and even get a sex change just so you could make Dad jokes?!â Timmyâs dad replies âAhh shit, you see right through me. I guess Iâm just….transparentâ
Roses are red, my screen is blue
I think I deleted system32
A drumset is a very deep instrument
It's full of cymballism.
The world ended when I kissed an alpaca.
It was the alpaca-lips.
What car do you drive in fall?
Autumn-mobile
Some children treat their parents like god.
They acts like they donât exist until they want something.
There was once a cross eyed teacher
They couldnât control their pupils
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't workout.
Recently broke my thumb, I asked the nurse if Iâd be able to play the piano?
She said I would I said thatâs good I couldnât play it before.
As a guitarist, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauperâs cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didnât know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like Iâve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played âAmazing Grace,â the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, âI never seen nothinâ like that before and Iâve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.â Apparently, Iâm still lostâŚ
A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.
He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesnât want her to be alone. âSix months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.â âJoe?â his wife asks. âBut I thought you hated Joe.â âI do,â the man answers.
Why is âyachtâ spelled that way instead of like âyot?â
Because why nacht.
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me heâs a compulsive liar…
…but I donât believe him…
How do you console Thanos when he’s upset?
Bruh, Just Snap out if it
Bro is hallucinating
Bro is hallucinating
Six topless women sounds nice
Dozen tit
I just got banned from /r/fashion
Apparently they didn't like my threads
âYouâre 1 joule per second, Harry!â
âIâm a Watt?â