If you know, you know.
Because I stole it from my neighbor…
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
He was named first!
My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.
The golfer replies, " In case I get a hole in one."
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
I thought that was a pretty odd way to start a conversation
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
The Chargers suck.
Ass skin for a friend.
Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.
With great powder comes great responsability
She asked me to move out with her.
The new campaign is a killer
Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out for the day. I borrowed my friend's phone to call her. She answered "What's up baby?" She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her. Edit: it's my cake day!
I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around
I told them it’s not my fault you don’t have windows.
Ok brace yourselves for an absolute travesty of a joke, said during bathtime after water got into my daughter’s eyes.
I told my wife: There's the captain water, and the crewmember water. The captain water says: "All right crewmembers, do you know where you have to go?" The crewmember water replies: "Eye eye, sir!" This earned me a proper facepalm from my wife which I shall wear proudly as a badge of honor and now share here with you.
…he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets. "Was I smiling?" Trump asked. "I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."
A washed up actor hasn’t gotten a job in years. He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.
When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a rose; bring it close to your nose with your thumb, index, and middle fingers; and sniff it deeply. Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'" When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says, "Oh, the smell of my lover." With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger. The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?" The director replies, "No! You forgot the flower."
He was running a huge pyramid scheme…
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.