If you run in front of a car
You will get tired.
And if you run behind a car,
you will get exhausted.
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme.
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common ?
Very little
I won’t do any threesome.
If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would just have dinner with my parents.
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started “unos, dos..”
But then he disappeared without a tres…
Why is gum similar to guns?
If you take one out during class, everyone starts acting like your friend.
Create new password: Tomato
Confirm new password: Tomato Passwords don't match.
What do you call the testicles of a peacock?
His peanuts
I tied all my watches to my belt
too bad it was a waist of time.
How to effectively ensure everyone around you respects 6 ft social distancing
https://ift.tt/3deHhLa
Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them.
He says to the first Priest "I'm Jesus Christ." The Priest replies "No son, you're not!" So he says to the second "I'm Jesus Christ." He says "No son, you're not." The drunk says "Look I can prove it." He takes the two Priests into the bar. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"
Why do native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.
They all disagreed with her though.
I once walked in on my teachers having sex
Being homeschooled was never easy for me
A blonde goes to work in tears.
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.
I got fired from my job at the glass factory for failing to declare my expenses.
Apparently transparency is very important to them. (I'll let myself out…)
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
Dyslexics untie!
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So my twin brother called me from prison
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?
The Star-Spangled Banner.
I’m reading a horror story in Braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it
My 4 Year Old is Working on Her Material…
Her – Knock knock! Me – Who's there? Her – Hungry! Me – Hungry who? Her – Hi hungry, I'm dad!
Whats my age again?
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
If a Tesla got stolen…
Would it then be called an Edison?
What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
They’re, there, their.
