If your here for pee jokes, urine luck
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![[OC] Cheap Paint](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/6zy4fiq12tr11-400x427.png)
Day Job
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year
My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
I occasionally enjoy leaning on things.
When I'm so inclined.
Did you hear why the elevator repair guy was always so happy?
It’s because his job was so uplifting.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”
Do you know the worst thing about the fire in Paris?
There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do…
We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.
Two women go on a night out…
Two women, Mary and Margaret, go on a night out, leaving their husbands at home. After a heavy night of Guinness, and while walking home through a large cemetery they both have a strong urge to relieve themselves. They each pop a squat behind a bush, and after doing the deed Mary calls over "psssst, hey Margaret! How are you going to, you know, wipe your butt?" Margaret tells her "I'm going to use my underwear and toss them away after, they're my cheap ones so I don't care!" Mary has a think about it, but she is wearing her best Victoria's Secret panties and doesn't really want to throw them away, so after a lot of debate she very regrettably decides to wipe herself with a wreath from a nearby grave, and then the two continue home. The following day, their husbands are sitting in the bar. One tells the other "hey bud, I don't think we should let our wives go out together any more. Margaret came home last night with no panties on" The other tells him "you think that's bad!? My wife came home with a card in her ass saying 'from all the boys at the the station, we're going to miss you'! "
I just saw the worlds biggest pair of glasses
It was quite the spectacle
I was appalled when the waiter told me it’s ‘nacho cheese’
I said i paid for it, it IS my cheese.
my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
Why did the snail paint a S on the side of his car?
So when he drove by people would say, “Look at that escargot!” You’re welcome.
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, “Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!”
He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her." Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "Ok bartender! Let's do this test!" He says. The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequila, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after some screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"
![….yep [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/5rnyflkg09q41-400x413.png)
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.
Everyone keeps telling me that I am the worst mailman they have ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
Cheating Wives
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
What color is a window?
Well, the answer's pretty clear…
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up so early in the morning?
To beat the crowd.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Your penis is so small…
that when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad.
It's a faux pa.
I saw a lady in tears at the store
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot. payitforward
CV for Family Tech Support
Experience for more than 12 family members over 20 years:Master in finding the cable that was not plugged.PhD in being the only one able to navigate menus using the arrow buttons of the remote. (That there exists no other solution doesn’t mean they won’t try.)Trustee of the recovery address of a legion of emails.Knows what a file is.Wizard-like competence to circumvent user experience failures. (“Yes, yes, you really need to slide your finger from the top of the screen to see a search bar!”)Ability to suffer through 10+ configuration steps over the phone. Including the endless repetition of “No, no, this won’t delete anything”, “You don’t need that”, and the crowd pleasing “No, you don’t want to read the privacy policy”.Uncanny power to spot what is actually a computer and needs to be rebooted, like TV sets and smart watches.Knows what a backup is.Privacy aware: can remove malware from your computer without snarky comments about the shady sites that you visit and more generally, can see things I shouldn’t while debugging your devices and keep it to myself.Understands that charging your computer with your phone charger doesn’t work.Doesn’t hate you, yet.