If your nose runs and your feet smell
you're built upside down.
3 men arrive at the pearly gates and they see Peter. Peter says we don’t have much space in heaven so we’re taking in people who experienced the worst death
First guy go. “I was walking down the hall of my 27th floor apartment building and I suspected my wife was cheating on me. I rushed through the door shouting where is he!? I looked everywhere while my wife was trying to tell me no one is here. Then I found him. Hanging off the ledge my balcony. I started stomping his hands until he fell. He survived by landing in the bushes but I picked up our fridge and threw it down on top of him and it killed him. Due to all the excitement I had a heart attack and died.” Peter was interested, second guy go. “I was doing pull-ups off the ledge of my 28th floor balcony when I slipped and by some miracle caught the balcony below me and hanged on. I was about to scream for help when a crazed man started stomping on my hands and I ended up falling into the bushes below. I once again survived only to find that now a fridge was about to land on me. It was too late to move so I died.” Peter was shocked but wanted to hear the thirds story. Third guy go. “I was having sex with another mans wife when we heard he was almost home. He was getting closer to the door and his wife said “Quick hide in the fridge!”
Kid: I’m going to be frank with you, bu- and if you say “Hi Frank, I’m Dad!” I’m gonna be super pissed!
Okay, gonnabesuperpissed.
My fish just ate another one of my fishes but it’s just hanging out of his mouth
https://ift.tt/2G2jC26
A lorry carrying LEGO bricks overturned on the motorway.
The police say they don't know what to make of it.
A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bustling bar and gets up to leave. . .
A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm gonna sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse ain't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!" True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink, sits in the [now silent] bar and finishes his drink. He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it. As he's just about to ride off, one of the other patrons timidly asks, "Mister? What was it you done in Texas?" The cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says sadly, "I had to walk."
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now." she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?" I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess" …
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango.
The policeman despair when telling the lady to go home is both funny and sad.
https://ift.tt/2UpesFh
Kinky in Bed
I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said "I'm feeling kinky!Turn off the light and stick it in my ass!" As soon as I did, she screamed! I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first.
He’s going to want legal immunity in exchange for leaving after he gets beat.
https://ift.tt/34feAtl
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
What do you call an ostrich in debt?
An ostpoor.
The Doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?”
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED
G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
To the man who invented 0
Thanks for nothing
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here
What do you call a bisexual person who is single?
They are on standbi
I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks…
I'm outstanding.
My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
I was told to post this here.
This here.
I don’t like people who take drugs
For example : airport security
I don’t have the best ceiling in the world
But it's up there.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.
In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair
Genie: you have three wishes
me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?
For a second, I couldn’t decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
