If you’re racist republican scum, do make sure to get a really scummy racist republican lawyer for your Impeachment trial!
If the new SONY car ever breaksdown
You'll have to Walkman.
Why can’t a newborn be fooled?
Because he wasn't born yesterday
There once was a guy named Dave,
Who dug up a whore from a grave. She was moldy and sh1tty, And only had one titty But look at the money he saved!
Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.
When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?…" All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row…" he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground. "I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the…" but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed." Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you."
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
Like a lazy tailor would say…
Suit yourself.
When my wife and I got married, we were really poor but she stood by me during those times.
She had to. We only had one chair.
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
You must be in F**king management!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
No one in Antarctica has COVID-19
It's because they are ice-o-lated.
The first vacuum ever created probably sucked.
No text found
Trump retreating to his safe space after being treated ‘very unfairly’ by NATO members
https://ift.tt/34RYsyv
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Today is 4 04…
There's a joke somewhere in there, but I can't quite find it.
When it’s friday and someone says “so hey there is this quick thing we need fixed”
https://ift.tt/3ahqVRs
A man tells his friend, “I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl.”
His friend asks, "Who?"
Electrons have mass?!
I didn’t even know they were catholic!
I had a pun about insanity
but then I lost it.
If something were heat resistant…
Would you say it's heat proof, to a certain degree?
Teacher : Why didn’t you come to the school yesterday?
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
The word nun…
…is just the letter n doing a forward roll.
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck..
and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
The power went out in my house today.
I was delighted.
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
What do you call a headless duck?
A duck that didnt duck
I fired my tailor the other day
He told me, "Fine! Suit yourself!"
When does a new joke become an “old” joke?
After you’ve reddit.
My son told me that he’s afraid of the 25th letter of the alphabet
I asked him why but he just kept screaming
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
Doctor: You should stop masturbating
Me: Why doc? Is there something wrong? Doctor: Its making me really uncomfortable
