If you’ve heard of Murphy’s law, which is that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, then have you heard of Cole’s law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage
I know global warming is bad
but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?
A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth…
Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before. Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear what God had to say. After a few minutes the girl was becoming incredibly nervous, assuming that this length of prayer was sure to warrant a heavy punishment. To help ease her racing mind, she poked her head out of the confession booth and waved one of the alter boys to come over. She then asked him, "How much does the Priest usually give for a blowjob?" To which the boy replied, "Usually five bucks and a snickers!"
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it
He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade
Why can’t Harry Potter differentiate between his best friend and a cooking pot
They're both cauldron
A Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning.
A sudden blowjob woke up young Carl…
He never slept on the train with his mouth open again… -Martin Mladenov
What do you call a teenage boy’s bedside diary?
Sticky Notes
If a woman from Cuba marries a man from Iceland
Are their children called ice cubes?
Technically, national anthems are just country music.
No text found
I don’t get jokes about school shootings
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper!
I got called pretty today.
Actually the full statement was "You're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on positive things today.
I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
Why did the man blush when he opened the refrigerator?
He saw the salad dressing.
Why is Ireland the biggest country in the world?
Because it keeps Dublin.
Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.
I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."
A recent study has discovered a new strain of lice that is resistant to conventional treatment.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day.
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
Elevators terrify me
I'm taking steps to avoid them
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover there butt Quacks! Straight from my ten year old…. I’m so proud.
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.
Cause you don't turn your back on family.
I’ve started saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.
It means a lot to them.
A man with a stutter answers an ad for “bible salesman wanted”.
He walks into the office and says " I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies "sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back for more." The office manager is amazed when the man comes back the next day and says "I nuh, nuh, nuh, need muh, muh, more buh, buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager is dumbstruck but agrees to give the man another box, with one condition. "You have to tell me how you did it. "He says. "Well I just nah, nah, nock on the duh, duh, duh, door and say, I'm suh, suh, suh, selling buh, buh, buh, bibles. Wuh, wuh, wuh, would you like to buh, buh, buh, buy one or should I reh, reh, reh, READ IT TO YOU? "
Just a normal day in Pakistan
Just a normal day in Pakistan
When colleague does not have dark mode IDE and asks me to check something on his screen.
https://ift.tt/32HKZbh
Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.
Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine
Yo mama so fat
We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.
“No Jews Allowed”
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner: 'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.' Sending a written message, the captain replied: 'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate. Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .' Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous). At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.' 'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'
When you realize your coke baggie is stuck to your phone during a family photo
https://ift.tt/2ocMz5Y
I quit my job at the helium gas factory
I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice
Procrastination is like masturbation…
It feels good while you're doing it, but you're only fucking yourself.
I’M A GOOFY RARRI!
I’M A GOOFY RARRI!
For people on this sub who are thinking of getting married, consider this carefully before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Patty O'Furniture.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.