ifunny.c😂
Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?
The retail shop
My dad is forbidden from buying alcohol since he started working in the coal mine
They don't sell alcohol to miners
Saw 10 homeless ants
Decided to build them a house to live in and charge them rent. Now I collect rent from my tenants
What is the nation where everyone stays younger ?
Rejuvenation
What do you call a prearranged rap battle?
A diss appointment.
Technically, national anthems are just country music.
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Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.
The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again. His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!” “Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
What is it called when a cannonball eats another cannonball?
Cannonball-ism
If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN
You will get them VERY ANGRY
I took my dog, Flip, to the skate park with my son. I swear that kid is crazy.
He said, "Dad, do you want to see me kick Flip?"
Trumpets and Guns
n a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
Doo Wop singer Dion used to jog on a full tuxedo…
He called it his Run-around suit
Obi Wan: Yoda, you en-route?
Yoda: Off course I am!
My wife said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Guy: I’m hungover
Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone’s gonna hear us. Over.
Girl asked me if I want to do the threesome…
Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents edit: im sorry everyone for the notification stuff and all. like i mentioned in the comment, i heard this one in the bus, english isn't my native and tried to translate it from my language, i'm not on r/jokes really often, sorry!
Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G.
Change my mind.
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
We tried Plan a, b, c, d but none have worked.
But, Plan e just might take off
What do you call a T-rex that sells guns?
A small arms dealer!
The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.
That’s….sound advice.
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
Why do fish always sing off key ?
You can’t tuna fish
Hey, can I get some feedback on my joke?
*Makes a high-pitched screeching sound*