what happens when the pope dies?
another popes up
This blu-ray I bought said the main event would be David vs. Daniel.
However, the screen only said DVD.
So there was this Mexican magician..
He said he could make himself disappear by the count of three. He said uno, dos and then POOF he vanished without a tres
Avengers: Infinity War is the perfect holiday movie…
…for Ash Wednesday.
My buddy drowned the other day
I placed a life jacket in his coffin It's what he would've wanted
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Me: “75 Watts.. 60 Watts.. 100 Watts” Daughter: “what are you doing, dad??”
Me: "oh, just a bit of light reading"
Only once every four years can a memer experience this kind of power
Only once every four years can a memer experience this kind of power
Apparently my friends started a hula hooping club but never told me about it.
They kept me out of the loop.
This morning at breakfast, my dad looked at us very seriously and said, “It hurts me when I say this..”
..”But I have a sore throat.”
I take Viagra for my sun burn…
It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep. Obligatory: Thank you for the silver and gold, kind strangers! My first awards ever.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
I have been hinting to my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.
Why did the Mexican take some Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Hi, I’m Robin
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Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.
I'd have 83 cents
I recently discovered I can move my sister’s daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.
I think I have telekinieces.
Chess
So I started practicing my chess skills the other day. I've played against myself over 100 times! I'm pretty sure it's working! I haven't lost a single game yet
Someone broke into my house and stole my anti depression pills
I hope they're happy
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
It’s a gateway rug
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.
Picky eater results in epic dad joke from my daughter…
My middle child, who loves rice, declined the yellow rice we offered him because apparently he only likes one type of rice. Without missing a beat my daughter (11 y/o) exclaimed, "stop being rice-ist." My job is done, clearly there is no more I can teach her.
I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'
My girlfriend is a pornstar
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
I was applying for Australian citizenship.
The interviewer asked "Do you have a criminal record?" "No. Is that still required?"
Why do prisoners make bad musicians?
Because they're always behind a few bars and can't find the key.
People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
I tried to explain my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants,
but he's still making fun of me.
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
I had sex with a blind girl yesterday
She said, “You have the biggest penis I’ve ever put my hands on.” I said, “Nah. Your just pulling my leg.”
“I’m sorry, but Joey Starr is not mentioned among the 20th century philosophers”.
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