Ignorance is bliss
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
BA-DUMM-TSS
My wife thinks I don’t know how to say, “My” in Japanese…
…but really, watashi no?
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punch line becomes apparent. My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it…
Store cashier: “Sir, do you wanna box for these items?”
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
This year’s Fibonacci celebrations are going to be huge
As big as the previous two combined
Homosexuality is found in over 150 different species, homophobia is only found in two.
We aren't doing enough to exterminate the fag-hating squirrel.
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
If people make you sick…
Maybe you should cook them longer…
I come from a long line of wood winds, so I was shocked when my daughter said she wanted to be a percussionist
But thinking back, when I checked her instrument case, the cymbals were always there.
What do you call a fight between E.T. and a man with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
My daughter came home from school screaming at me
"I’ve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!" I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
I used to think all black people had boomboxes.
Turned out it was just a stereo type.
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) bring me the one my wife made
If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.
In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :_(
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
But this is as close as I could get
I’ve washed my hands so many times this week
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
To the guy who invented 0…
Thanks for nothing!
I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room
Im indiana Jones, Get out
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention
We were better than The Cure.
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
Why does Santa has such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year
A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
For Christmas, I’m getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.
They are in for a rude awakening.
Why are there two d’s in reddit?
The second one is a repost.
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes
Sometimes he laughs.
How do you count People from Mississippi
1 Mississippi 2 Mississippi 3 Mississippi
You all must have heard about the man who invented the knock knock joke.
Well, he won the No-bell prize.
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
Why is an island like the letter T?
because it’s in the middle of water
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
Why do riot police like to go to work early?
To beat the crowd
Why is 1 = 0
cos 0 = 1