Shooting tips
A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter. "Could you give me some tips?" he asked. The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high — tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Sure will." The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it — that'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much."
Did you know that there’s actually no official training for garbage men?
They just pick it up as they go along.
The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.
If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it. I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
News paper comics can be funny sometimes but they’re easily subject to boomers.
https://ift.tt/2wT7Fdw
I went to the eye doctor.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
I was thinking of a joke about Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill, but then it lost momentum.
But it still has potential.
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
A little boy and his father visited the country store, and upon leaving the store, the owner of the store offered the little boy some free Sweets…
“grab a hand full of Sweets", the merchant said to the boy. The boy just stood there looking up at his father. The owner repeated himself:- “Son get a hand full of Sweets… it’s free.” Again the boy did not move, continuing to look up in the face of his father. Finally the father reached into the candy jar and got a hand full of Sweets and gave it to his son. As they walked back home, the father stopped and asked his son why he did not grab a hand full of the free candy. The boy with a big smile on his face looked into the face of his father and said:- "Because I know that your hand is bigger than mine".
Detroit isn’t That Bad… Trust Me
A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying. "No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family." The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community is great… you'll be fine, trust me." The other guy seems to perk up and says, "Hey, thanks man, you've really calmed my nerves, I feel better. So what do you do in Detroit?" "I'm a tail-gunner on a Bud Light truck…"
What do you call a soldier that’s survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.
That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?
They work it out with a pencil.
I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
It means a lot to him
Why can’t you give credit to elbow for bending the arm?
Because it's a Joint effort
What’s the difference between a Cat and a Comma?
One has claws at the end of the paws… The other is a pause at the end of a clause.
I am suspicious that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Why don’t they let you wear glasses in football?
Because it's a contact sport.
Me: “75 Watts.. 60 Watts.. 100 Watts” Daughter: “what are you doing, dad??”
Me: "oh, just a bit of light reading"
i think i saw the word bullshit a few times in the movie
i think i saw the word bullshit a few times in the movie
I’m going through a lot right now
I cant seem to find a parking spot
If Harry decided to take up painting now he’s stepped back from the royal family…
…he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drinker
My wife just admitted that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I can look at her in the same light ever again.
What concert costs $0.45?
A 50 cent and nickelback concert.
NSFW Ive never killed a mountain lion with my bare hands.
But ive choked a few cougars.
A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.
The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this." He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one." The kid looks between the notes and eventually takes the five dollar bill. The man laughs and pockets the other note and walks back to his friend, still laughing. "See what I mean?" he says, shaking his head. "Every damn time. Stupid kid never learns." His friend is puzzled, but doesn't say anything. Later in the evening he decides to take a stroll alone and spots the boy again. Curiosity overcomes him, and he goes over and asks, "Hey kid, why do you keep taking the five dollar bill every time?" "Because, mister, the day I take the ten dollar bill, the game ends."
What is a horse’s favorite kind of wine ?
Caberneigh…
My brother said, “What rhymes with Orange”
I told him no it doesn’t
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…