I’ll go for the extra $50
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it is Dr. Whom.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
-Tips fedora at mosquito-
M’laria!
The pool on the titanic is still full…
Let that sink in
How does Darth Vader like his steaks?
Well, done done done, done da done, done da done
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain…
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision…
What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?
Screw is what my dad did before I was born. Bolt is what he did after I was born.
Why does Santa fear getting stuck in a chimney?
Because he’s Claustrophobic.
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
A lion will not cheat on his wife,
But a Tiger Wood!
I don’t mind maths.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
“Dad, I’m so happy! I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
Why don’t balloons do drugs.
If they get to high they'll get busted
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
With great reflexes comes great response ability
No text found
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
2020 is going to be a great year.
I can see it so clearly.
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
My friend charges £20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
It snowed last night…
8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 – So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 – The gay couple living nearby said it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 – protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes.