I’ll just leave this here…
What is a horse’s favorite kind of wine ?
Caberneigh…
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night…
Not happy !
I don’t like doing spring cleaning
Damn things bounce all over the place
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?
He did CrossFit.
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gag My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
Wife: I need an anagram for “Nuclear”
Me: That's unclear.
What do you call a communist sniper
A marxman
“What can you offer this restaraunt as the new food runner?”
"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock knock jokes?
He won the no bell prize
Someone once told me a story about screws, nuts and bolts.
It was Riveting.
Why does England feel like it’s two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker…
they're always folding. I'll see myself out. lol
A string walks into a bar
He says "Bartender, get me a beer." The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." The string is pissed. He goes into the alley, twists himself up, messes up his hair, and storms back inside. "Bartender. Get me a beer." The bartender eyes him suspiciously. "Hey, ain't you that string I sent out earlier?" The string shakes his head. "I'm a frayed knot."
Why is getting broken up with like doing algebra?
You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.
After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.” Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!” St. Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.” Carl never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence. Carl replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”“Not bad,” replied Carl the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?” “Never,” said Carl.“Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Carl clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg! Carl was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Carl! Wake up. You’re shitting the bed!!!”
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside of Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold! Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!
My friends keep telling me I’m on the autism spectrum…
…I can never tell if they’re joking or not.
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears?
It was cutting-hedge technology.
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick from her purse, instead of her lip stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
The other night, I asked my dad how far away are we from dinner?
My brother pulled out some measuring tape, asked me to hold one end as he held the other end and walked towards the oven. "…. about 12 feet." 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 bro is basically a certified dad now
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that…
…he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets. "Was I smiling?" Trump asked. "I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
What do podiums like to sing?
I'm a dais, I'm a DAIS! I'm a DAIS!
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back…
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help. A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?” “No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift…
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
I saw a movie about tarantulas in my chemistry class.
I'm never stepping foot in that room again.
Men vs gorilla
Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.' r>Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free. 'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.' Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.' The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure. Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!' The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her. The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!' Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood … Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same..
This year, I gave up using spreadsheets for 40 days.
It is Excel Lent.
What did one cucumber seed say to the other?
We're in a bit of a pickle!
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
When a women is giving birth, she’s literally kidding.
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According to a survey, 80% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.