I’ll just piggy-back off the actual punchline!
Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.
Her: Sure, what is it? Me: “Overworked postmen.” Her: But how many letters? Me: Too many.
A light snack
They did unspeakable things to me.
They’ll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger…
He was so full of himself.
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
But I got bored and quit because it was just one ting after another.
A dead centipede.
He was wearing his best suit, a charcoal grey suit. The woman knew it was her husbands dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, something that they had never been able to afford when he was alive. So, she told the undertaker about her husband's wish, acknowledging that she couldn't afford a new suit, and she asked him if there was anything he could do. The undertaker told the widow that he would do what he could and to come back in three days. When the widow returned three days later, she found her husband in his coffin, wearing a stunning blue suit. She was overcome with gratitude and asked the undertaker how he'd managed this. The undertaker replied, not half an hour after you left, a lady brought in her late husband, who was wearing a blue suit. She told me how he'd always wanted to buried in a grey suit, but she couldn't afford a new one, so I told her I'd see what I could do and to return in three days. After she'd left, I checked and he was about the same height and build as your husband so I swapped the heads.
When the punchline becomes apparent.
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
Beat it. We’re closed.
They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"
Add 24 carrots
A garbage truck
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
Because you are 10/10
My dad passed away last year because my family didn’t know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
An undercover cop.
I look ridiculous in it.
‘Cause I share a unique bond with you!
It means a lot to them.
…the NSA will finally read it.
But I never got a straight answer
He asks her out, and he needs to plan, so first, he needs his tuxedo. So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and there's a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo. Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, there's a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo. On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes goes by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building! So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, "hey can you get us some punch?" So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what? There's no punchline.
I haven't touched it in years.
And only a handful of Herpes cases was Clinton's
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
It's on paper view.
She looked surprised.
I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."