I’ll just piggy-back off the actual punchline!
I farted in Burger King
It was an absolute whopper
Why should you just be honest to fat people?
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
What’s a snail on a boat?
A snailor
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
When you realize your coke baggie is stuck to your phone during a family photo
https://ift.tt/2ocMz5Y
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on it’s own?
it was two-tired
A shy man enters a bar
He sees a cute girl sitting at the bar and sits down near her. About an hour later he finally comes up to her and quietly asks her: -Excuse me miss, could I buy you a drink? The girl screams: -No! I am NOT having sex with you!! Everyone at the bar turns and stares at him. Humiliated, he walks away. A few minutes later the girl walks up to him and says: -I'm sorry I embarrassed you. See, I am a psychology student and I am observing human behavior in uncomfortable situations. The man turns and yells: -What do you mean for $200?!
God said to John come forth and have everlasting life.
But he came in fifth and won a toaster.
You should never buy Velcro
Itβs a total ripoff
REQUEST: Does anyone know any jokes about being 2nd in command?
Specifically jokes for a 2nd in command, or 1st Officer to the Captain. Like: "Hi, I'm second in command so I have to drive the ship when the Captain gets seasick." Or "Hi, I'm second in command, which means I do the hard job and the Captain gets credit for it!" I'd be grateful if anyone can share any.
A SchrΓΆdinger’s cat walks into a bar …
and it doesn't.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said “Window or Aisle” ?
I replied "Window or you'll what ?"
Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms
But it's actually because they're dead
I’m a time traveler, just arrived from 1990
It took me thirty years to get here.
Jesus walks into a bar
βJust twelve waters please!β Winks at disciples
What do you call Batman who skips church?
Christian Bale
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
βWe have two big needs,β said the village headman. βFirst, we have a hospital but no doctor.β The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: βI have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?β βWe have no cellphone reception at all in our village.β
I hate people who take drugs
For example, border security.
Smoking will kill you…Bacon will kill you…
But, smoking bacon will cure it.