I’ll take 3 health bullets please
Grab ‘im by the 1040
What starts with “W”.
No text found
It do be like that
“Grandpa tell us this story about you surviving falling from 3rd floor”
Me during code reviews
Most investigations of any President too.
I held the the door open for a clown today
I thought it was a nice jester.
Just say no to “socialism”, dear republicans…
Trump stopped funding who?
An alter boy walks in on a priest…
A young alter boy walks in on a priest masturbating, confused he asks the priest "what are you doing father?" The priest replies "don't worry my son it's natural, you will be doing it soon" "but why father?" the alter boy returns The priest exclaims "because my arm is getting tired!"
My son got good grades in all his classes except Greek Mythology
That's always been his Achilles Elbow
Wanna here a joke about a broken pencil?
Never mind, it’s pointless…
Mom asked me why I deposited a pair of shoes into my bank account.
Me: "Well, you said my account should have a new balance. ;)"
Parents always do kids homework
Big Bird, what are you doing?
“Dad, what are condoms for?”
“Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia…
The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says: "Great rulers of Russia, I seek your wisdom in our country's time of need. How should I lead it to greater prosperity?" The leaders all turn, looking towards a shorter man towards the front: Joseph Stalin. He steps forward, and says to Putin: "Here are the two things that you must do. First, gather up all the Democrat politicians and have them shot. Second, paint the outside of the Kremlin blue." Putin looks back at Stalin, incredulously. "Blue?! Why would I paint the Kremlin blue?" Stalin cracks a smile, and then howls with laughter. Turning towards the rest of the men, he proudly proclaims, "See? I told you he wouldn't ask about the first one!"
Fishing good, wife bad.
I circumcise elephants for a living.
It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge.
Is infinity odd or even?
Oddly enough, it's even. But even so, it's still an odd concept.
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
the shitpost complexities
Putting in the work!
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
They just don’t understand
Calling US out
I see no mistake there, probably it’s a bug
How do you get a haircut with a mask on?
Just apple’s style.😂
Ass wipes they are
“Russian Roulettes are safe”
How do I compile a php file?
All this hard work
Literally a boomer meme
Pretty much me..
It’s the only way
Oh? You’re approaching me?
How do they make scissors at the factory?
With cutting edge technology.
Vegetarians are like parallel lines…
They never meat.
Any parent would agree. Made me laugh then I realised how true it was then it made me sad
How do you handle a redhead’s temper?
What do you call a chubby psychic?
A four chin teller
Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?
All the walls are load-bearing.
Wholesome boomer humor
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst käse scenario.
So I found this lying around and forgot to put it up earlier, here you go
Stop it! Get some help
First President in History…I guess
“Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud?”
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
Xgameboy Nintendo 4 BAD!!!
My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window? It looks like rain, dear.
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
It happens to the best of us
They say smoking causes cancer
But it cures salmon
I hate people who take drugs.
Like cops, DEA agents…
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
Why are nuns’ outfits always ill fitting?
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.
It is interesting to realise that the Indian Gods are also called Devs
You Bout to lose yo job