I’ll take everything!
Sun is a weird name
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
Teachers in the 90s
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
I’ve spent two years looking for my ex’s killer
But no-one will do it.
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today…
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
whenever i ask someone what is LGBT
i never get a straight answer
Shuf is fantastic
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
Nice try CNN
Why do gay people laugh at everything?
Because they cant keep a straight face
I’m the content creator for the IG of the @. Please don’t hold that against me.
I’m still crying
How pro life works.
What do you get when Jason Momoa disappears?
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
John Cena wakes up at a hospital
John Cena: Where am I Nurse: ICU John Cena: No you can’t
Go fuck yourself Zuckerberg!
John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter –
– with millions of clocks around the room. Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?" Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies." So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twice?" Saint Peter said, "that is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice for he has only lied twice in his life." John goes to another, he asked, "Why hasn't this one moved?" Saint Peter says, "That is Saint Teresa's, for she has never lied." Curious now, John asked, "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" Amused, Saint Peter says, "Oh, Jesus is using it as a ceiling fan in his office."
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
xkcd – Academia vs. business
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, she’ll just burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual
Puns make me numb….
But math puns make me number.
My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
A dad was washing his car with his son
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
Looks less, but it’s 180.
Does this count?
This meme is advanced
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
When your Internet is down
Wife bad thief good
I went for a job interview the other day.
They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?" I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."
Code works anyway, deploy it
Legend says they never came back
Those darn women, always ruining our good time
When you just started learning pointers
I was addicted to the hokey pokey
But I turned myself around
Why do cows have hooves?
Cuz they lactose.
It do be like that
Co-worker posts some gems from time to time.
Girl: come over
Guy: I’m coming over Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
The real virus
I really hope mailmen don’t start getting the Coronavirus
They’re really good carriers
I like my women how I like my Corona viruses
Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath
It always do be like that
An old man sought out a doctor for a sperm count…
The doctor gave him a sample pot and said: "Take this and bring it back tomorrow with a sperm sample." The following day, the old man returned and gave the pot back to the doctor. It was empty as the day before. Confused, the doctor asked what happened. The old man explained: "You see, doc, this is how it went: first, I tried with my right hand and nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. So I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with her left one, but nothing. Next she tried with her mouth – first with her teeth, then without them, and nothing. We even called our neighbor and she also tried. First with both hands, then with her armpit and lastly, squeezing it between her knees, but nothing." The doctor was shocked: "You asked your neighbor for help?!" "Yes, doc. But neither of us could open the damn pot."
I don’t often tell dad jokes…
Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.
Some wholesome boomer humor
I just saw a woman on horseback.
I never knew horses even got tattoos.
What do we call a group of 12 atoms?
The love of ones HeRiTaGe
Not exactly discovered around 450 BC but whatever
Can’t argue with that logic, can you?
Even you, world ?
Register to Vote
Im doing the same ngl
Do you support a 3 day work week?
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One