I’ll teach you a thing or two
So my brother’s girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!
So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.
Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer. "Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars." "Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said. "By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer. "Applied psychology." – Edit: This is not my joke
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt…
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it. 2.) They LOVE chocolate.
If you boil your funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock
That's humerus.
How do you learn how to talk to a lady?
Ask your mother
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.
When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?…" All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row…" he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground. "I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the…" but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed." Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you."
What is Gordan Ramseys favorite disney movie?
Its fucking FROZEN!
What’s the difference between a piano, fish and glue
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
Why has the U.S. Surgeon General suggested to cook smoked turkey this Thanksgiving?
Because smoking is bad for your health and you should stop cold turkey.
How do you stop a fight between two blind men?
Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.
A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son’s bedroom.
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him. Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
9 months isn’t really that long
It only feels like a maternity
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
My grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Hike. Hike who? Warm midnight falling. Stars shining, dancing brightly. Peaceful all at once
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
(After they reply with R) Ye think it’d be Arr, but me first love be the C
I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.
But i didn't think it wood work.
“Hey honey, I’m pregnant.”
"Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!" "No you're not."
My wife complains I don’t buy her flowers.
In all honesty, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
he won the no-bell prize!
The wheel installer at the auto factory told me, “Man, I’m so tired.”
As a muffler specialist, I replied, "I'm the one that's really exhausted."
A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
My wife is really annoyed at my sense of direction.
So i packed up my things and right