I’m 29 and my 30th birthday is tomorrow. My gf asked if I feel old yet.
I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."
Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?
When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
I saw an ad in a shop window, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought
“I can't turn that down.”
I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..
https://ift.tt/34eN8fL
My friend asked if I wanted to play Yahtzee.
I said "no dice."
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
“Did you just stand there watching me fall and drop all the laundry?”
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie…
Clooney said, "I'll produce." DiCaprio said, " I'll direct." McConaughey said, " I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
Just heard someone bragging about their one night stand
Well I've got two night stands and a double bed
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
Me: I’m terrified of the Backstreet Boys
Therapist: Tell me why? Me: screams
I can cut wood by looking at it
I saw it with my own eyes
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.
That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
Do i really need a hypnotist?
I'm open to suggestion.
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
Shur-he-kan
A police officer says to a couple: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire”.
They ask "Arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
At an interview I was asked to describe myself in 1 word.
I said "good listener"
Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him “would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?”
Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".
The argument
So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal issue." And the guy says, "No, it's a maintenance issue. The window won't open."
She got fired from the hot dog stand…
… for putting her hair in a bun.
Dad, why is that book so thick?
"It's a long story"
I’m hosting a charity event for people who can’t orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come
At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me…
Guess I went a little too far with that joke.
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
My friend begged me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe
They’re banning phones in my school, my teacher was laughing her ass off at this
https://ift.tt/2TTqdCz
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs.
3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him. First one said "You ever had a hug?" He said "No" so she hugged him & walked on. The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?" He said "No" so she kissed him & walked on. Third said "You ever been fucked?" He said "No" as his eyes lit up… she said "You will be when the tide comes in."
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
There is a law in my city that people who live somewhere else can’t be buried in any of it’s cemeteries.
It's because they are still alive.
I used to love blowing air at people’s faces…
…but I'm just not a fan anymore