I’m a gAmEr
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids’ suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
Dad: I don’t know who that is. Me: how do you not know who Stan Lee is? Dad: Because you haven’t told me his last name. Me:….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
they just finished a 31 day March.
Well, that's close but no Seger. Old time rock and roll never forgets.
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
Please come quickly.
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed! Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards!
i really hope it's Jerry, he's cute
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
It's fine, he woke up.
"Which is?" he asked. "Exactly."
On the last episode of Forged in Fire, a contestant made a blade the cut 4 loaves of bread in just one slice. . .
Now that's what you call a 4 loaf cleaver.
If you can’t come let me know
It's pretty oak, eh.
then I see why they call you handsome!
But did he listen?
You’re under a vest!
Would I be mist?
Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Just five more minutes.
My wife said, “You are not a Jedi, just use the goddamn key.”
…I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”
I hope you’re happy now.
So I made her stand in front of a deep fat fryer.
Because it was inbred.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
“on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.
We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.
What is the difference between soon-to-be parents that want a girl and liquid that’s been used to clean plates?
One's dishwater… The other's wish daughter