im a hacker
This is way more relevant than it use to be
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Republicans trying to find just 1 witness willing to defend Trump’s innocence under oath
What do you call a dinosaur that takes good care of his teeth?
Ayn Rand is not amused. 🇺🇸
To the guy who stole my antidepressants…
I hope you're happy now
Proof that Liberals arnt critical thinkers! MAGA!
My Hispanic buddy likes Little Caesars.
He uses them to trim his mustache.
You can’t lose Money, If you don’t have any
My kid thinks ‘racist’ meant someone who is good at running.
Heard him tell his class mate, ‘You’re good at running. I bet when you grow up you are going to be a great racist.’ (Good luck today all you London Marathon racists!)
Why are snails allowed on ships?
My calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side,…it still works.
This is some xenomorph shit
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar…
Followed by Batman.
My dude just needs a helping hand
There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.
One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives. The left half, more prone to rational thought, spent most of its time in libraries, and got an accounting gig. The right half, more creative, picked up painting, and taught pottery at the local community college. On top of the spectacle of a man split in half, the townsfolk could not believe how rarely they saw both halves of Don at the same place. Indeed, nobody could think of even one occurrence of this happening. Now one day, half a man walks into a bar. The left half of Don, always punctual, walked into the local watering hole at precisely 8:00, and ordered a shot of whisky, which the bartender poured for him. At 8:01, the right half of Don wandered in, sat down, asked for a beer, and nodded to his other half, which nodded back. As the bartender poured him the beer, the left half of Don took his shot, left just enough to cover the bill, and left at precisely 8:02. The bartender was astounded– he was the first person to see the two halves interact since the accident. As it dawned on him how rare this was, the bartender exclaimed, a little louder than he wanted to, "Whole Don here for just one minute!" I will not apologize.
Cat trying to get in.
That feeling when
I think someone had a realy bad day :D
Machine Learning: *training was always an option*
How do you drown a hipster?
You throw him into the mainstream.
Zero Errors means zero errors
I remember my childhood quite fondly when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
Back up your shit!
Take that, mom!
Why couldn’t Peter Pan ever be a comedian?
Because his jokes Neverland 😀
My coworker hung up this image today.
And Longest Government Shutdown. All in One Term
You can’t spell advertisements without semen..
..between the tits.
One man’s trash, another man’s treasure
A young woman is at her doctor’s appointment when the doctor says, “Ma’am, I’ve got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant.”
The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be…" She pauses for a moment. "…Kid-in-me." After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?" The woman says "It was totally birth it."
Didn’t think Oracle was that bad
Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.
That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.
For those times you are debugging or have to type in front of people
No need to tell me why.
Post Malone just suspended his tour.
That makes him Postponed Malone.
Karma is a bitch!
I tried calling the tinnitus hotline but there was no answer.
It just kept ringing.
Open for business
Just caught my son spanking a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.
He’s officially hit Rock bottom.
tweeting all morning is such a hard job 😂
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
How historians will look back on Trump #DisasterVoltron
This poor bastard
It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I’d say “I don’t believe in Hell.”
But then I got married.
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
Now the snowflakes on the right will cry
What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?
A new last name.
To(O) mu(C)h power
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
My wife is finally going to watch Back to the Future
I told her it's about time.
Why couldn’t the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married
There are are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don`t
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
Hahaha, oh wait that’s me…
What’s Batman’s favourite fruit?
Why the fetus gets just the [G]oodies
Can’t wait to see Starbucks’ “Holiday” cup…
Why did Shakespeare always write using a pen?
Pencils confused him…2B or not 2B?
listen up you all, facebook is really bad
Trying to understand your uncommented code a few days later
What is SpongeBob’s least desirable personality trait?
He’s too self absorbed.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub…
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
*Confused Math Woman*
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."