Ah yes, a completely binary affaire with no place for nuance or individualism.
https://ift.tt/2RmNRad
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.
He just came out of the closet.
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
At dinner, my parents told me that they always thought about having another child.
I said, “I would have loved to have a brother or a sister.” They said, “That’s not what we meant.”
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
What do you call a rodent with a machine gun?
A ratatatatat
I never thought my son would steal road signals
But when I got home all the signs were there
I know a great knock-knock joke, but you need to start it.
You: Ok, knock knock Me: Who's there? You: …? Me: 😃
Where were the first French fries made?
…in grease
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted
Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?
Now it is Times New Ramen
At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years
I answered: “Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”
Jack and the blonde
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
What kind of conversation did the pirate have?
An ARRRgument with his wife
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
A photon checks into a hotel.
A photon checks into a hotel. – Do you need help with your luggage, sir? – No, i'm travelling light.
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Hike. Hike who? Warm midnight falling. Stars shining, dancing brightly. Peaceful all at once
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her.
I said maybe-
What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?
They both slowly remove clogs.
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it is race-related
Why did Donald Trump’s hair not blow off in the wind?
Because he dodged the draft.
Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
I proposed to my girlfriend in the gym yesterday
But it didn't workout.
Why don’t burns go to college?
Because they've already got their degrees.
Trump’s parents are in trouble
They made a racist joke.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
You know you’ve done something wrong when your computer starts REEEEEEEing at you
https://ift.tt/34on0i2
Date night with my wife and as she’s reading the menu she asks, “Is anything popping out at you?”
I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."
How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?
"you mean a choir?" Fine… How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?
Why is every gender equality officer in a company female?
Because it is cheaper
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some butt- hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he ……….added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" " Georgia , sir." the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Georgia ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Georgia ." "No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
So far, 2019 seems odd.
Like every other year.
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
How did the butcher introduce his wife?
“Meat Patty.”
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar carrying a large chunk of concrete. He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road."
Interactive joke
There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. Remember: 3 stories. The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?" The man went up to the second story and saw his son playing a video game. He told him "You're doing it wrong, you're supposed to-" but the son slapped him, saying "Who's playing? Me or you?" Then he went to the third story and saw his daughter doing homework, and told her "this is the wrong answer" and the daughter slapped him, saying "Who's doing homework? Me or you?" Finally, the man went up to the fourth story. (At this point, hopefully your listener would say "but you said there were only 3 stories!" at which poing you slap him/her and say "Who's telling the joke? Me or you?")
What is the only fruit you can sit on?
A cherry.