“I’m a socialist drinker.” “Don’t you mean social drinker?”
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."
I was fired from the keyboard factory today
I wasn't putting in enough shifts
Two recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight." Other recruit says "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say a band on ship."
r/im14andthisisdeep:
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.
“What can I do for you, Father?” “I’m collecting for the orphanage.” “Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door. The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says: “OK, you can take me now.”
A new Tesla doesn’t come with the new car smell…
It comes with an Elon Musk.
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water, because the butane is lighter fluid.
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up
Without looking really dumb.
Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school…
Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
What’s green, has four legs, and is deadly when it jumps on you?
A billiards table
How do you make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunning pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks."You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," She replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.
Start 2020 off on the right foot.
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works. 😀
If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.
Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
Republican’s ultimate alpha-male. More paranoid than a Kardashian of ruining his makeup.
https://ift.tt/3b7zJsh
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
Online college
Worst virus my college servers has every been exposed to. When you been an online college student and now all these other students are taking online classes and the college servers can not handle this coronavirus
An Irishman goes to the doctor’s surgery …
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
My kid asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
classic
classic
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
“I used to be a Christian”
The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?" The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"
Why didn’t Obi-Wan forgive Darth Maul for killing his master?
He wasn't willing to let Qui-Gons be bygones.
So a vowel saves another vowel’s life.
The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”
I’m reading a book about anti gravity
I can't put it down
The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.
Restaurant in peace
A lion will not cheat on his wife,
But a Tiger Wood!
What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
Where's pop corn?
If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN
You will get them VERY ANGRY
[NSFW] I got a sweater for my birthday.
I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.