“I’m a victim of veganism” -Piers Morgan
What a feeling
I’m so good at sleeping
I could do it with my eyes closed
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
Modern kids with there consumer world view…
Brown Man Bad
Guide to quarantine
It aint no more than this
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal — if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol… Sol… ." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution
Could this be a red flag?
A boy scout went around his neighborhood looking for a job…
A boy scout went around his neighborhood looking for a job… "I'll pay you $20 to paint my porch," said one neighbor. The scout agreed and went to work. A few hours later, the scout knocked on the neighbor's door and said, "I'm all finished, but your car is a Mercedes, not a Porsche."
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Every kind of clickbait does these simple things:
No text found
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
Why does England feel like it’s two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
Dad, what does doubting mean?
Son: Dad, what does doubting mean? Dad: Hmmm… I'll give you a practical example: who do you love more? Daddy or Mommy? Son: answers without hesitation Mommy Dad: ಠ_ಠ Then go ask her! She will explain! Don't bother me I aint got no time to waste!
A man phones the doctor about his hearing aid, but gets no answer.
The doctor phones the man back shortly after and says, "You called?" The man thinks for a second, then says, "No, pretty warm, actually."
Boss wants to have sex with his secretary
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, and pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?" She responds, "I'm still picking and he's still fucking! The bastard used COINS!"
How do you cut an ocean in two?
with a sea-saw
At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it
He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade
this was a treat to read
Why is it wrong to punch the wall when you’re frustrated?
The wall has never been anything but supportive.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
I was yelling really loud into my colander
And I think I strained my voice.
Minecraft is inevitable
Found this at a relatives house.
Date night with my wife and as she’s reading the menu she asks, “Is anything popping out at you?”
I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."
I asked a young pretty homeless woman if I could take her home?
She smiled and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.
I always liked him better than Alex Smith.
America is great…
[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.
They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops. Later, a beautiful woman washes up on the beach. The man nurses her back to health and provides her food. One day, she asks if there's anything she can do for him." "Anything?" "Anything." "Well there was one thing." "Oh? What was it?" "Can you take that fucking dog for a walk?"
Kid these days
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50, deer nuts are under a buck
They didn’t expect to ever get a compliment.
Dwight speaking the truth
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
Rare photo of Melania Trump genuinely smiling. Taken at the roast of Donald Trump.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
Found in my parents own home.
This won’t hurt us in the future…
Sometimes my genius… It’s almost frightening.
So today I asked my wife if she knew of any krutches I could borrow for the upcoming office party.
Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as? Me: a walking dad joke. Her: …? Me: I'd be kind of lame.
I was once in a relationship with twins.
Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
That’s why I scream everything I say
cause we like debugging
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
Is that how most Americans feel?
We’re all destined to be sad and exhausted
The actor who played Bilbo is really upset that a supermarket opened up right next to his house.
Unexpected item in the Baggins area.
Found in my AP US Government textbook
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” she says. The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.” The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist.”
selfish wife, poor husband
My son asked me, “What was your favourite music to listen to when growing up?” I said, “Led Zeppelin”.
My son: Who? Me: Yes, they were good too.
What do you call a man with a shovel?
Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglass.
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
I hate it when kids these days write “angle” instead of “angel.”
They are just trying to be edgy.
Why do potatoes make great crime fighters?
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.