I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
It's really hard to quit cold turkey
People say circumcision doesn’t hurt, but i have to disagree.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year. So check your facts.
Not to brag, but I beat the local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
“He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword” said Jesus
the carpenter who was nailed to some wood
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.” She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility
If only they could see me now!
Boobs are like legos
They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
What’s the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.
Damn girl, are you a toaster?
Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.
An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asks, “What is this, father?” The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.” While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls. The walls open up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman steps out. The father looks at his son excitedly and says, “Go get your mother.”
I made a playlist for hiking!
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my….Trail Mix.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
What lies on a seabed and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
Give a man a fish, and he won’t see you dump the body in the lake.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be the only one at the crime scene when the police arrive.
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then…
…we’ve drifted apart.
When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
https://ift.tt/2thvPN8
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married.
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
It’s crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days…
One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.
Bob was in trouble.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
I’m sure Trump will explain everything to Lindsey and it’ll all be fine in a couple days.
https://ift.tt/2IGWeZw
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
When you hire entry-level developers to build a production app because you’re that cheap!
https://ift.tt/2TIj5tG
John Travolta was hospitalized earlier today for suspected COVID-19.
Doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
What do you call a group of introverts?
A paradox.
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation…
Son: “Where are my sunglasses?”
Dad: "I don't know…where are my dad glasses?"
The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.
They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equipment is not as great as the FBI’s but they still look very prepared. After two days, upon finding no rabbits, they conclude that there is no rabbit, there never was, and everybody was lying to them from the start. Finally, the KGB go in. Everyone is afraid for them, as they are going in with nothing but a couple traps and a baseball bat. However, to everyone’s surprise, two days later, the KGB come out with a bear, who is bloody and bruised. One of the members pokes the bear in the stomach and the bear starts screaming, “I AM A RABBIT!”
My wife tapped me on the shoulder and complained that Susan was keeping her awake.
"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked. She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up
Why can’t you ever find vodka in a Jedi bar?
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet….
The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site. "This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare." "So why are we here then," the guy asked, "we can't settle here, oxygen must be very rare." "We are not here to settle, kid" the Chief said "we are here to export. It's the biggest stroke of luck the Gaia Company has had since we found that big diamond inside Jupiter. We'll all be very rich after this, you can count on that." They travelled in silence after that until they reached the settlement gates. The new guy couldn't believe his eyes. "The buildings are made of gold!", he said. "Not just gold , it's alloyed with one part platinum and one part radium, to glow at night." When they entered the settlement the guy was even more surprised. "A nuclear reactor at every home?" "Yep, Uranium's as common as dirt here. You just have to dig two inches and there it is. Also very radioactive, that's why we had the ground covered with gold to keep the radiation contained. Now we just supply the uranium through pipes." The guy saw some people carrying large bags down to their houses. "Who are those guys?" he asked. "Scientists. The old buggers are very happy nowadays. All the elements that had to be artificially manufactured on Earth are naturally occuring here. They have been conducting experiments since the day we came here. Some of them haven't been seen for six months." They travelled like this for an hour until they finally reached the Department of Communication. "This is where you are assigned kid" the Chief said "Radio wave communication doesn't work very well here, all the radioactivity in the atmosphere interferes with the signal. So we are going old school, telegraphs. Your job is to manage the lines and look after the posts. You will be the Department Head. There are 20 guys working under you. Come on, let's meet some of them." They walked a little while until they came to a forest. The guy couldn't keep his jaw shut. The trees were made of metals. Some of them were glowing radioactively. Some were burning just by exposure to some oxygen. Some were made of gold, some of platinum, some of silver. "I don't believe this." "Well, it's right in front of your eyes. We brought some trees from Earth to plant here for the oxygen. But things changed. The guys from NASA tell me that because of the lack of common elements found on Earth, the trees had to make use of what they could get. So here we have trees of every precious metal – gold, silver, platinum – you name it. We cut them off and send them to Earth. Pretty soon they're going to become common as iron but till then make hay while the sun shines, right? We don't use them for making the posts as they are actually quite soft and the people try to steal them. Here we also have trees of Seaborgium (chemical symbol Sg, atomic number 106), Flerovium (chemical symbol Fl, atomic number 114) and Oganesson (chemical symbol Og, atomic number 118). All very rare and very important, the guys at NASA are paying us very big money to supply them. They say it's the biggest find in Chemistry since Lavoisier discovered Hydrogen." The Chief was talking while they walked. He stopped near a plantation of trees and pointed to them. The new guy looked at a bunch of trees, silvery-gray in colour, shining smoothly in the moonlight. "Now those are the trees you are interested in", the Chief said. "Made of pure Rhenium (chemical symbol Re, atomic number 75). The fourth or fifth rarest element on Earth. Very strong, third highest melting point, highest boiling point, denser than lead, not affected by strong alkalies, sulphuric acid, hydrochloric acid or even aqua regia. It's the perfect metal for this job. Strong, sturdy and not radioactive. That's what we have been using for the posts all this time." "You don't mean to say…" the new guy began to say. "Yes," the Chief cut him off, "this place is full of Re posts."
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
Why do dice prefer to be in groups of two?
Because then it's a pair-a-dice
I can cut a piece of wood by just looking at it
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
What do the testicles of a priest look like?
Silly question, every child knows that.
I once challenged an amputee to a swordfight
But he came unarmed :/
Dyslexic jokes about trees are O. A. K.
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A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "do me a favour and rub this fork over your private parts" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"
If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it “Auto-Correct”.
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines…