I’m afraid I blue myself
A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
3 men were in a boat. There were 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times…
He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you.”
"What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on…. my cock??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture
They're all back stabbers
A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
A friend asked me,” What rhymes with orange?”
I said," No, it doesn't."
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon
Midgets and Dwarfs…
have very little in common.
What do you call a dog on a U-boat?
A subwoofer.
What’s red and bad for your teeth.
A house brick.
My dad said if he see me browsing reddit again, he’ll smash my head to the keyboard
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
What rhymes with banana?
No it doesn't
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. “You fucking prick, that’s so inappropriate!” she screamed. “Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don’t angry at you about that!” I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs…
My wife told me to stop being a flamingo..
.. So i had to put my foot down
Calculate your next travel destination for 2020. Guaranteed to be 100% accurate
https://ift.tt/2Y6EHCK
I’m sure Trump will explain everything to Lindsey and it’ll all be fine in a couple days.
https://ift.tt/2IGWeZw
I’m going through a lot right now
I cant seem to find a parking spot
I don’t trust stairs
They’re always up to something
I lost my job at the quarry…
I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom…
Just sold my homing pigeons on eBay.
For the 22nd time.
The townspeople of little Italy has been real quiet recently…
The townspeople of little Italy has been real quiet recently…
I put adderall into my Ford Fiesta
Now it’s a Ford Focus
Two scientists walk into a bar…
The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!" The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms." The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed
A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.
So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl? EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicament, if I can not spin this straw into gold I shall be hanged tomorrow morning. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: cackles I can help you, but at the cost of part of your name. I will spin the straw to gold, but if I do, I will take a letter from your name; unless, of course, you can guess mine. Edith graciously accepts and watches as Rumpelstiltskin spins all the straw in the room into gold, saving her life. Finally, Rumpelstiltskin gives her one last chance to save her name by guessing his name. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So young girl, what is my name? EDITH: Alas, I know not. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: cackles Then your name is mine! Edith accepts her punishment and is still grateful for the help. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.
Runs in the family.
Why do lamps make people happy?
They bring delight. My 7-year-old son told me this at the breakfast table this morning. He is going to be a great dad one day.
According to a survey, 80% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
Wife calls her mother in-law and asks her “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?” Mother in-law yells “the mother!”
Wife – "Then come clean up your drunk son!"
Elephants have been defamed and maligned with this disgraceful association for far too long
https://ift.tt/2RKmreA
Flight attendant stop the bus I’m sea sick!
Sir you are on a train
My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
Minecraft is Racist
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
Don’t worry, the coronavirus won’t last long.
Because it’s made in China.
After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…
I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!