I’m allergic to death.
It causes me to start coffin.
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.
When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now. The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian." The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down "that's funny…"
Why shouldn’t you ever fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
For a good time go bowling
A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late because he's out bowling with you.
I ate a clock yesterday and it was very time consuming.
especially when I went for seconds
After 20 years of working on it, I finally finished my physics book.
It was about time.
My wife said sex has become a chore.
So for mothers day I've hired her some help.
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
Because it is capsized.
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
I really hate spheres.
They just seem so pointless to me.
A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he’s right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.
"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!" And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way. Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the back and saw the whole thing. He doesn't want any trouble, so he calls up a couple of friends, and together they take the big crucifix down and hide it. As an afterthought, the priest leaves a small desk crucifix in its place. Sure enough, the drunk man comes back with his shotgun. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the tiny crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right in front of it, he leans over real close and says, "Hey, kid, where's yer dad at?"
What did the officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
I just said “No comment” all the way through the police interview.
I didn't get the job.
Who do Nuns travel in pairs ?
So one Nun can make sure that the other Nun doesn't get none.
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
,,,,,
Chameleon
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
My wife: I’m leaving you because of your obsession with Star Wars
Me: May divorce be with you
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
I’m glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
I was at a bar when
A woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands
My friend send me this at 3am what is this question bruh 💀
My friend send me this at 3am what is this question bruh 💀
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
Do you remember the 21st night of September?
I remember it like it was yesterday.
How easy is it to get reddit karma?
It's a piece of cake.
Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.
However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car. Weeks later, Sandy tells his mother that he has got a job as a fence fixer. She is overjoyed for him, but something doesn't seem right. She has noticed her son occasionally sneaking out at nights. One night, she follows him, all the way to the rich neighbourhood on the other side of town. She watches as he rips out a fence from the front lawn of a house, and lays it down next to its foundations. Just before he leaves, she confronts him. "Why have you been destroying other people's fences?" she asks. "They will pay me the next day to fix it," Sandy answers, ashamed. "Rich people can give me up to £100 just for putting their fence back." "But why do you need the money?" Sandy looks up. "You see, reposting is the quickest way to car, ma."
I’ve got a memory of an elephant.
I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
A snail was told he would go faster if he took his shell off………
…… but it just made him more sluggish!
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
I handed my dad his 50th birthday card
With tears in his eyes he says One would've been enough.
What’s it called when a hooker farts?
A prosti-toot
Think I might sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on ebay.
Imagine all the Paypal…
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"
What is Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo